My Best Theory

Looking for your soul mate? Have you tried not being a psycho?

2011-12-04T23:36:00.007-05:00

Just saw someone post this on their Facebook page:

Status: "I want a man that is good looking, has a job, dont do drugs, wants to have a serious relation and number 1 GREAT SEX, maybe marriage n maybe 1 kid, the sex is the most important thing, guys needs to know how to truely make love w a women, also guys needs to know to lick our right spots n do it great"

Their own comment on it: "Girls love U to pay alot of attendtion.for us caring n sweet n we like to feel special"

Next status just a few minutes later: "Here is my soul mate... sweet, has lots of real love to give to me the serious loving relationship. I want a guy thats single that has a place that its only him n animals if he has any. Also loves to have fun and a sweet guy inside n out.. I want to spend some real time with a man that can make my heart flutter and sex that curls my toes.. Older or young guys.. If this is you then post it n we can talk ;-) xoxo"

Their own comment on it: "I love funny guys too, just loves to have fun. No lier or cheaters"

Another comment on their own status (which btw no one has commented on): "I need a soul mate... where are you ??? lol"

Ok let's try to analyze this crazy bitch. First off, you're looking for your soul mate on Facebook. Which means the only people that are going to read this, are going to be people that you already know. Are we supposed to pass the word on to others? What do you want us to do?

First status has a list of demands. One being, you need a job. Well a good way to start is by posting this on a Sunday night at 11:30. Lots of guys with jobs are up on Facebook at this time. (I don't count b/c I have weird hours and I work overnight on Sundays.) After the first sentence, I count multiple misspellings, grammar and punctuation errors. Already you're out of the running for me. You've now narrowed down your choices to guys that are as dumb as you are. Now you start talking about marriage and a kid?! You've now narrowed down your choices to nobody. We need to lick your right spots and do it right? Same here, bitch.

Now you've gone and commented on your own status. Sad. Desperation has kicked in. And you've included about 3 sentences in one. "n" does not mean "and". "U" does not mean "you". And I can't pay "attendtion" to you because I'm still trying to translate your language in to mine. Oh you want the guy to make you feel special? I think if you took an intelligence test, that would be covered.

Ok now we're on to the next status, which is looking for a soul mate. Fun. Now one of the first demands on this one is that the guy has to be single. This is telling me that she's gone for guys who are not. Usually being single is something that is implied, but she wants to make sure y'all know that you can't be married when you get married to her. "Also loves to have fun." I hate fun. Who wants to have fun? Not me. Next. "A sweet guy inside and out?" Now I have to taste sweet on the outside? How am I going to do that? "Sex that curls your toes"? Bitch, that's called a vibrator. Get one.

Now she has commented saying she wants funny guys. This is just like the joke I do on stage where girls always ask for that. Guess what, you're a needy bitch and being funny isn't going to be enough for you. And during all this, you have failed to mention any kind of redeeming qualities that you possess. What are you bringing to the table besides a used cosloppus? I'm going to need more than that if you want my awesome qualities that you are asking for. You get everything you want, and I got a lazy, clinging bitch that needs me to take care of her and pay all her bills. Oh I will have a place of my own, but that doesn't mean you bring your suitcases and your kid over with you, rent free.

"No lier or cheaters". Ok well guess what, whatever guy is interested at this point, is going to lie and say they don't cheat. That's who is in your league. Don't try to go out of your league. Plus the guy is going to be a "lier" if you want him to make you feel special. He's going to have to figure out something because if he was honest with you, he'd tell you that you're a complete moron who can't read or write. But again, that would be him telling you that you are "special". Just not the kind of special you were going for.

And this has been another installment of Why Jeff is Single. Thank you for your time.

What Doing Comedy For 8 Years Gets You

2011-11-09T23:44:00.008-05:00

This January I will be hitting my 8 year anniversary of doing stand up comedy. I'm just reflecting on it tonight because I just got home from doing a gig in Toms River, NJ. Yeah, on a Wednesday. At a sports bar. My favorite. Sports bars are the worst. Nobody wants to hear you tell jokes in a bar. Especially when they go there to watch sports. You compete for peoples' attentions with the giant screen TV that is the stage backdrop. Basically you just hope to get through your time without hearing, "Down in front!"

I walked in to this bar, after driving for over an hour to the shore, and immediately went to the bathroom. When I'm nervous before shows, I am like a drunk that broke the seal. I keep having to go. The bar was pretty packed and it was a nice size. The bartenders were wearing head sets and they were being projected through a sound system. I come to find out it's trivia night. Panic then sets in. Another thing to compete with for attention. I am walking around looking for the booker and wondering how this whole thing is going to work out. Turns out, as I'm exploring, I find a 2nd room with another bar in it. I see a stage with a sound system in there on it's own and feel a little better. This room is pretty crowded and more quiet. I talk to the booker and she says that the people here pay $5 to watch the comedy show. The lights get turned down, the TVs get turned off and everyone is here to see the show. Ok, this might actually work out. I look around and realize that this room is basically the 2nd half of a take out store. Imagine walking in to a take out store and going to the back and watching a comedy show. That's what this was.

I'm not knocking this place or this gig. I had as much fun as I could get out of it. I'm used to these kinds of shows and this was a better one that I'm used to. But it hit me like a mack truck when I realized that after 8 years, I'm still doing gigs in the back of a take out store for no pay in front of people who don't even want to hear your jokes. When I first started, I was getting gigs every Fri and Sat. Every weekend! Now I'm lucky if I get a gig at a sports bar at the shore on a Wed. I can't even get booked at the club that I started out in 8 years ago!

Back to tonight, the booker was the MC and she had me go on first. Tough spot! But after seeing the whole show, I realized any spot was a tough spot. I've learned over the years that just because there are people in the audience, you're not guaranteed laughs. I've had shows in front of 5 people that were awesome because the audience engaged and laughed and had a good time. Then I remember the couple theater gigs I got in front of hundreds of people that politely sat there in silence wondering who I was and why I was there.

I didn't bother doing any brand new material. Too risky. I stuck with the stuff that is new to me but that I've done a couple times and it has worked for me. There were maybe 3 or 4 people in the front that laughed and had a good time, but the rest of the 20-30 people in the bar were texting on their phones, talking to each other, or just flat out staring in to space. It's sad when I think that this show wasn't my worst. It was more of an average show for me. I think my average needs to start getting a little higher.

On my ride home, I listened to the WTF podcast with Mark Maron. This guy has been doing stand up for years, even when I was in diapers. And now he is finally getting the recognition he deserves. I do love hearing about comics and their rise to fame. I always try to compare them to myself and what I'm going through. Sometimes I get bitter when I hear comedians who are making enough money, and headlining clubs, and touring the country, and they have this as their only source of income and living comfortably, and then they complain about not being successful enough. In my eyes, that is success! I'm not asking to be Chris Rock (who was the guest on WTF) or Jerry Seinfeld. I would be perfectly happy doing clubs around the country as my source of income and be comfortable. I'm not looking for fame or fortune. I just want to be happy doing something that makes me happy. Is that too much to ask?

Another Cooking Disaster

2011-11-02T15:52:00.003-04:00

I know I am not good in the kitchen, which is why I stay out of it. I'd rather schlep out in the cold to Steve's Prince of Steaks and pay way too much for a cheesesteak, than have to figure out measurements and cooking times. No matter how much I follow the directions on the recipe, it doesn't work. I'm not stupid! I did what you told me! It just wasn't meant to be I suppose.

So here I am watching the latest shitty episode of Glee. Why? Don't ask me b/c I don't have the answer anymore. Well there's a draft in my room, which I think the wind just comes right through the wall. So I decide to have some hot chocolate. Simple enough. My mom then tells me that if I use the pot, I have to wash it out and then clean it back up again afterwards. Ugh, too much work to even think about, let alone do. But this song that Puck is singing is driving me insane, so I need to get away from the TV. I decide to go the microwave route which sucks. A hot chocolate from the microwave is like eating tofu turkey. It's just not the same.

So I get two packets out b/c everybody knows that 2 packets make it so much more chocolatey and better. So I find the mug in the cabinet. It's not my usual Batman mug b/c that one right now is packed up and in storage. Oh the joys of living back at home. The mugs here are abnormally small but I decide to go for it anyway. I fill it with water and put it in the microwave for a minute. Hmmmm, not hot enough. It's gotta go in for another minute. I go back in the room to see if there's a hot lesbian scene between Santana and Brittany and by the time I get back, my cup runneth over. Literally. The hot chocolate was bubbling over and going everywhere. I think I should stop it right away, but I think, eh, let's just have the minute go out b/c the damage is done. It was a hot chocolate lava mess. My mom's biggest pet peeve is a mess in the microwave. I try to clean it up before she can see, but my dad came home at that exact moment and decided to announce it like a presidential speech that I made the biggest mess in the world.

So the moral of the story is that the next time I want hot chocolate, I'm going to drive to 711 or Wawa and pay. The way America should be.

Knoebels Trip 2011

2011-10-13T13:54:00.008-04:00

I love our annual Knoebels trips! This was the weekend after I did the 3 weeks of Wawapalooza shows, so I definitely needed to get away. I stole these pictures from Kymm.

Ted started by climbing on the fence and Meg yelling at him. Kymm and I tried to provoke those two to get them to fight more b/c it was entertaining for us.

It took us a lot to get Kymm to get away from the camp site. We tried everything. Finally Meg got her to walk around the park and so the rest of us decorated the site to surprise her for her 30th birthday! We got pink and blue balloons, glo sticks, cookies, the whole deal.

The next day the park wasn't open so we had to entertain ourselves.

Yay the park is open!

We went just a few weeks after the huge flood. So you can see the 2011 line is super high!

Everyone else was arguing so I fake argued with Heather so we can fit in.

Can't wait til next year!

Wawapalooza 5: Under Destruction

2011-10-13T13:26:00.012-04:00

This was our 5th year doing Wawapalooza! I can't believe we still are doing it after all these years and that we're still selling out our shows! And these people have become my best friends. Aww sweet, I know. William Lemke is the best photographer so he came to our rehearsal before the show and took some exclusive behind the scenes pics! lol And then I stole these pics from him.

So this year I dressed in drag. Yet again. I did a sketch called Becky Rosenblatt's Yet-To-Be-Titled Vlog where I play a teenage girl that has her own vlog and is delusional about her dreams and how she sees herself.

The opening sketch was about Phillies fans who have Tourettes and just yell at umpires. Hits a little too close to home.

One of my favorite sketches was Gus playing a guy named Floyd who is a total creep and runs in to a girl at the laundromat. Then he drugs her and who knows what happens later. We just liked seeing Gus be a creep, which comes so easily to him.

Shari and Tony were old people fighting over their Comcast bill.

I played a guy working at the Apple store teaching how to use a Mac to a bunch of PC users. Then Steve Jobs comes and helps me focus on what I need to do. This was before he died. So it was appropriate. Ha! Tony had to bend down and kiss my head and it was so awkward and I almost laughed every single time we did it on the show. The pics were taken during rehearsal so I was allowed to laugh.

The best sketch of the night was Mala and Bonnie as Wal Mart employees reading off complaints from yelp.com. Go watch it on youtube.

Me and Alex then played teenagers who know everything and expect everything. But she doesn't always get what she wants.

Eric needed to decide between Gus and Dan's characters of who to keep as his friend on Facebook.

Mandy played a wife who is watching an E! special on the death of Patrick Swayze while her husband, Tony, just wants to watch the Penn State game. She really cried at each show!

Then Eric and Mandy played new parents who believe if they have their baby's head above everyone else's during it's first year, it'll give him confidence later. But what happens when they drop the baby? Yeah every time they dropped the doll, everyone freaked out. It's a doll.

Gus, Dan and Shari are office workers who are sick of the same ole same ole. You know, like getting your salad tossed.

I played a guy who is having his bachelor party and just wants to chill and play board games. But Tony comes in as the wild guy and wants strippers and blow. It was hard to play someone who was getting married b/c that'll never happen.

Dan had to go to therapy b/c he's obsessed with putting a cat in his shirt all day long.

Cast photo. Minus Gus.

But he came back and I stepped on him.

My New Present For Myself

2011-09-12T18:45:00.003-04:00

So I caved in and got myself a new 15" Macbook Pro. With the works. It's super expensive but I opened a Best Buy credit card with 18 months of interest free payments. It's all Bill's fault. I was looking to spend $500-$800, and ended up getting the computer that costs $1800. Yeah, whoops.

But I can now start on what I said in my blog a long time ago. Write more! I'm sitting at Bill and Dana's house writing now writing this for geez sakes. And with my new work schedule, I have so much more time. I have off 4 days a week.

So now I will be writing sitcom scripts, sketch ideas, stand up and screenplays. Holy moly I'm exhausted just thinking about it. I have started writing a sitcom type script and I go in, write some lines and then take a 10 minute facebook/Words with Friends break. I'm pacing myself.

Relationship Fail

2011-08-20T17:07:00.003-04:00

You know it's bad when you hear about peoples' failed relationships and you make fun of them because they're an epic fail. Well I've reached a new level of fail. It's called having a relationship fail, before a relationship even begins. If I was one of the Wright Brothers, I would've never made it off the ground.

I keep saying that I'm not made for relationships and I'm better off on my own, which I fully believe. Yet I still find myself crushing on girls left and right. It needs to stop! All it does is distract me from doing what I want to do in my own life. God has given me so many signs telling me to stop worrying about getting a girlfriend, and worrying about myself. I'm writing all this out so I can refer to it later. Get back to work!

If You Needed To Know What Disappointment Looks Like...

2011-06-28T19:52:00.004-04:00

Just look at this picture. If I'm ever feeling sad or down on myself, all I have to do is look at this picture and crack up to the point of tears. Here's the story behind the pic:

This time last year, during my birthday, we went to the theme park Knoebels in beautiful Elysburg, PA. They have a ride that we go on multiple times a day because we're so competitive. It's a simple carousel ride, but with a twist. These people have a mechanical arm that sticks out, so when you ride on the outside horses, you can reach out and grab brass rings. So obviously we made it a contest to see who can get the most every time we go on. We have even gotten tricky by trying to get 2 at the same time. I've done it. Not bragging or anything.

So while Ted, Kevin, Megh, Heather, Eve and Randy were in line, Kymm and I were getting a good spot to watch them. Kymm had her camera ready and I kept noticing this poor girl. Every time she went around, she was too small to reach the rings. She would get so excited reaching for it, and then she would pass without being able to get another ring. Then she just had this look like someone ran over her puppy. We cracked up every time we saw her. Not to be mean, but in her own innocent way, she was adorable. We have no idea who she is. At the end of the ride, she had no rings and this was the picture that Kymm got when she came around. Just a deflating look of defeat. Battling tears of laughter, I had to control myself not to walk up to her and buy her an ice cream or whatever it is she wanted. I love this girl and I hope this year she's big enough to get the rings.

Don't Give Away The End, The One Thing That Stays Mine

2011-06-22T20:41:00.004-04:00

I love Chelsea Handler. That's not a surprise to anyone that knows me. She goes and takes matters in to her own hands. She worked her ass off to get where she is. She built her empire from the ground up. The other day, I was watching her show After Lately about what goes down behind the scenes of her show Chelsea Lately. It's all about the writers and the making of the show. Watching it was like being smacked right upside the head. Why am I going to pigeon hole myself and do just stand up comedy? I barely get stage time as it is. What I need to do is write. And weasel my way in to some cable show where they will hire someone like me. The E! channel would be perfect for me with shows like Chelsea Lately and The Soup, but unfortunately they're over in CA. Of course. I need to get in to NY. And thanks to my cousin Dana (Daily Dose of Dana blog) I am now obsessed with watching Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. He's in NY!

So not only am I looking for writing jobs now to broaden my horizon, I'm working on my own crap. I have a podcast that I've been doing for a year now. I produced my own live show that was an awesome success! And now, thanks to some comedian friends and my cousin Bill with his fancy camera and editing work, we are working on taping some sketches and putting that shit online. I'm building my empire! It's going to be a while.

Producing Your Own Live Show Gives You Gray Hair

2011-05-21T15:26:00.013-04:00

My podcast Bullsnap decided to put on a live variety show for our one year anniversary. It sort of came about because we needed to raise money to buy more equipment for the show. So instead of just asking around for money, we decided to put on a show! Entertain the masses!

So on May 6th, we had our show at the Comedy Cabaret Northeast on the Boulevard. The weeks leading up to it was so stressful. People backing out without telling me, people being late to the show, people not memorizing their lines (myself included). In my defense, I was worried about everyone learning their lines so bad, that I couldn't concentrate on mine.

This is the flyer we made for the show.

This is Dan and Eric rehearsing their lines outside by the dumpster.

My mom representing the 'Snap.

The "backstage" area. Which was pretty much just an empty kitchen they don't use anymore.

We opened the show with a song that Kim wrote called Jersey Girls. Which is a parody of Katy Perry's California Girls. Since the original singer backed out, 2 days before the show we got Beckie's friends Steph and Lauren to memorize the lyrics and dress up like Jersey girls. Things got a little messed up with starting the music on time and remembering the lyrics. We had to start the song over again. Needless to say, I was shitting bricks watching this all unfold. I kept thinking the crowd is sitting there wondering what the hell they got themselves in to.

So I got up after the song was over and said hello. Loosened up the crowd a bit and told them what they were in for (if they already didn't know).

I brought up the first comedian, Dan Scully. I'm glad I put him on in the beginning because he knows how to energize a crowd. Plus he's always been a part of my huge milestones in my comedy career. So of course I wanted him there for this. And he's been on the podcast a bunch of times, so it's like he's a part of the BS family.

In between the stand up, I wanted the group that I am in, IdRatherBeHere Productions, do some of our new sketches we're working on for this year's Wawapalooza. The first one was called Same Ole, Same Ole about people at the water cooler at work talking about the same old stuff. The girls in our group couldn't make it to the show, so I had my comedian friend Joanne Filan stand in for the girl parts. She did so awesome!

I did my monologue/sketch called Becky Rosenblatt's Yet To Be Titled Vlog. I had a blast doing it so I can't wait to do it for the Fringe show this year.

Then Joanne came on and did her stand up. My mom personally loved her bird poop joke that she did. Good job Joanne!!

Here's me setting up the mics. Working my butt off!

Dan and Eric did their sketch Keep Comin Back about a guy talking to a therapist about his fascination with keeping his cat under his shirt.

The last sketch was called Guys Named Floyd about a creeper guy talking to a girl in a laundromat. The ending made the audience roar with laughter and applause. It was so amazing!

Kim and I went up to introduce the drag queen. The plan was for me to look like a hot mess and then have the real drag queen come out all crazy and fierce. It worked.

It's Mizz Pola Frost!! She stole the show.

She sang happy birthday to my dad. He was so embarrassed but I think he secretly loved it.

After she tore the house down, I went on and did my stand up. My favorite shows are the ones that are full of family and friends. They are the best audience!

We had Pola come back on (after her costume change) and pick the winner of the 50/50. She also did her 2nd number, which was just as hilarious as the 1st!

After the show, we realized it was success and all the hard work and stress paid off.

I wouldn't let Pola leave without a quick goodbye squeeze.

Thank you to my cousin Bill Lemke who took these amazing pictures.

I'm Ready To See The World and For The World To See Me

2011-04-13T19:41:00.004-04:00

It must be spring. I'm ready for change. I've noticed this happens to me often. I need change. I'm just starting to notice now that the time in between me wanting to change is getting shorter and shorter. What kind of change do I mean, exactly? It doesn't matter! I hate being stuck in the same routine day in and day out. Every week is exactly the same for me. Sunday I sleep in and then work 5pm-1am with the same 2 people. Monday I'm off and I usually sleep in really late and then go to bed around 9pm to get ready for an early wake up for work the next day. Then Tues-Fri, it's work from 6am-3pm and then me sitting around at home watching tv. The same shows every week. (I'm not complaining about the tv shows. I love them.) Then comes Fri and Sat where I get to pretty much do what I want. Is 2 days a week really enough for me to let my freak flag fly?!

I say no. I'm ready for something to happen. The only way for me to make it happen, is to get off my ass and move! Now that I've been living with my parents since November, I'm getting bored. I have the itch. The outside world doesn't seem so scary anymore. If I lost my job when I had an apartment, I would've literally fallen apart. Now? Who cares. Fire me. I could pay my bills with some shitty waiter job. Or better yet, collect unemployment. I get inspired to do things, but then do not do the follow through. What I should be doing is spending some more free time in NY. Hanging out at comedy clubs, going on interviews, who knows! I feel like NY is the place that anything can happen.

But is this way of thinking reality? It's such a way of looking at the world like a new graduate sees it. "Oh there's so many possibilities. I'm going to be so successful right after I graduate!" Yeah I thought that too. Fast forward 7 years later, I'm broke and still living in the same bedroom I grew up in. There's no better time than the present. I see my friends and family have got their own lives going on around here. So what's keeping me here?! I saw a psychic in December and she asked me that and I started to answer but then thought for a second. I froze. I couldn't answer her. She saw that and asked me, "So what is holding you back from doing what you want to do?" The answer is me. I'm holding me back! I can't believe I've been doing that to myself! What an asshole I am!

I need to stop thinking about the big picture. I need to focus and take baby steps. Slowly but surely I can get to where I want. Plus being broke, working full time in a shitty call center and living in my parents house, there's no other way but up. It can't get any worse than this folks.

Drunkard

2011-01-26T21:51:00.005-05:00

I don't get drunk often. But I feel like when I do, I'm always around people I usually only see very little. Like my family on my dad's side I never see. But usually when I do, it's a party and I'm drinking. And then I sit here and wonder if they think I'm just this huge drunkard b/c every time they see me, I'm retarded drunk. My cousin Jakki's wedding I got to see them, and it had been a while. I got so messed up and then the next morning, I threw up in the restaurant where we had a breakfast buffet. Yes, threw up IN the restaurant. Meaning I went to look for the bathroom and couldn't make it so I quick turned in to the waiter's bus stand and puked on myself. I had to go to the car and put on my clothes from the day before. And then walk back in to see my family all staring at me.

Then I start thinking about it and I remembered Michelle's 4th of July bbq with her cousins who I hadn't seen since I was a kid. Well I was drinking, not that much mind you. But I totally was being obnoxious and loud, which I never am. And I mixed up Bridgette and Erin's name. And it was so embarrassing and the only explanation was that I was drinking. And it was also in front of Michelle's mom and Nana. I could've just buried myself under the ground in embarrassment!

And then the worst of it: This summer at the beach! In front of all my aunts and my uncles and cousins. And their kids! At least this time I didn't mess up anyone's names or throw up on myself. I was close though. But that walk back to the beach house in the morning was the worst. Walking in that room and just knowing that everyone knew what happened last night was the worst. These people probably think I have a problem. Every time I'm around them I act like a homeless drunk person!

Well I'm writing this blog to say I'm not! I swear! I never drink! I promise! Do people really think this about me or is it just me being paranoid!?

2010 Sucked

2011-01-10T12:49:00.008-05:00

2010 was such a shitty year. The biggest shitty thing to happen was I had to decide that I couldn’t afford to live on my own anymore. What a crappy decision to come to make. I’m up to my neck in credit card debt and I am spending more on bills than I am making. And when you’re dumping out less water than what is coming in, you’re going to sink. My personal savings has withered down to nothing, since that was the well I drew from when I didn’t have enough money to pay my bills. So the lease was up on my apartment on Halloween. Because of this, it was my worst Halloween ever. I usually have a party at the apartment and people come over and it’s a blast. Not this year! I couldn’t do anything for Halloween. I dressed up as the cop from the Beastie Boys’ Sabotage video and came in 3rd place at work. Wahoo.

So the weekend before Halloween, my sister and I rented a Uhaul and got our shit and left. Mostly everything ended up in a storage unit. I moved from a two bedroom townhouse to my childhood bedroom which is about the size of the closet in the townhouse. So basically the only things that came with me was my bed, my computer, my dresser, my tv and my clothes. Everything else is in storage. And let me tell you, I miss my Wii and my dvds. Never have I felt an urge to watch Super Troopers more than when I don’t have the dvd with me.

Needless to say it’s an adjustment. Things have finally settled down, bill-wise, 2 months later. We got our security deposit back so I guess I took care of it in the 3 years I lived there. It also took me a while to get used to go from having my own bathroom to sharing a bathroom with 3 other adults. I had to get back in the swing of asking everyone if they need to use the bathroom before I go in and take a shower. And no more hanging out in the bathroom reading books while sitting on the toilet. Time limit! And then I have to get used to my parents asking me where I’m going, when I’m coming back, who am I going with, why am I doing it, etc. They make me feel like I’m guilty of doing something wrong when really I just want to see a movie.

Music sucked. Usually every year around this time, I make a compilation cd of the best songs of the year. Well this year, I am skipping out on it. I bought two albums this year when I usually get a whole lot more. I got Linkin Park’s “A Thousand Suns” and Jimmy Eat World’s “Invented”. Linkin Park’s cd was not as good as their old ones. So I have barely listened to it. I am obsessed with “Invented” and have not stopped listening to it since I got it. It’s one of Jimmy’s best cds yet. So if I really want to listen to the best of 2010, I’ll just play “Invented”. Done. I’m glad 2010 is over b/c people are already talking about the music that will be coming out in 2011. My most anticipated album? No Doubt! Bring it!

Movies weren’t that great. The best movie of the year I think was Inception. Most people say The Social Network and while that was great, you can’t really top the writing, acting, and visual effects of Inception. It was original and made me think and literally kept me on the edge of my seat. But the last month of the year, I’ve been going to the movies and renting amazing movies that are being nominated for awards. I’ve been really spoiled and now I feel like I’m some movie elitist. Some amazing movies I’ve seen this year: The Fighter, The Social Network, The Kids Are Alright, Black Swan, Winter’s Bone, Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work, Scott Pilgrim vs the World, Away We Go, Kick-Ass, Easy A, and Date Night. Just to name a few.

TV never disappoints me. And at the risk of sounding like a girl, the best episode of the year was Grey’s Anatomy’s season finale in May. Did you see it?! It was 2 hours long and played out like it was it’s own movie. Amazing! I was upset, scared, worried, happy, sad, everything! And then I changed my tampon. But I can admit that I watch Grey’s every week. 24 and Lost ended this year too. Nothing can top Lost as much as the networks try. FlashForward and The Event can suck it. Those were terrible. And I will be counting down the days until the 24 movie. But we can file that in no-man’s land with the script for Arrested Development. I’d like for that to happen before I die. Some other shows worth mentioning that I love so much and have been consistent with moments that make me lol: The Ricky Gervais Show, Family Guy, Glee, Raising Hope, Nick Swardson’s Pretend Time, Teen Mom, Modern Family, Cougar Town (watch this despite it’s title), Parks And Recreation, The Office, 30 Rock, It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia, The League, The Soup and Saturday Night Live. I wouldn’t let you down. Just listen to me.

Well that pretty much sums it up. And quick note to Ke$ha, Katy Perry and Rhianna, or as I like to call them, the trifecta of suck: if you come to the end of an album cycle, take some time off. Don’t release another album right away. It seems like you never went away and we need you to go away, even if it’s just for a little bit. Make people miss you. Go away. We didn’t really want you here in the first place. And stop trying to be like Lady Gaga. Because Lady Gaga is Lady Gaga and you’re not. She’s Lady Gaga b/c she’s original. You’re not original by trying to be like her. So just stop.

Here we go 2011!

Baby Dreams

2010-11-03T16:03:00.003-04:00

I keep having these crazy baby dreams. It all started a few years ago when I first moved out of my parents' house. So I was only about 24 years old. But I kept having these dreams where I had a kid. And the mom was nowhere to be found, nor did I really seem to care or want to know who it was. I was happy being a single dad. And I would always wake up sad that it wasn't true. I remember one dream specifically during this time where I was at my cousin Dana's wedding. My Aunt Mary comes in through the main doors in the middle of the ceremony holding a baby in her hands and I go running up to her. She tells me that some girl dropped off the baby and said it was mine and that they couldn't handle the pressure anymore and left.

Recently (about two nights ago) I had another dream. I was living in a dorm room of some type and a demon was haunting it. I was planning on moving b/c really, who wants to live with a demon. And so I guess the demon got wind of my plans and decided to write on my walls in blood, "You're not going anywhere. If you try to leave, I will drop a heavy statue from the sky and crush your car and kill you." Yeah a little long-winded to write in blood on someone's wall. I guess he didn't know how to condense his words. And also the demon is very specific about dropping a statue on me. So anyway, I was like, "Ok cool. Guess I'm not moving." So then later I was walking in to church (ew I just noticed being at church in this dream as well as the old one) and I was at the sidewalk and caught up with my mom who was holding hands and walking with a 3 or 4 year old boy. I was telling her about the demon and I guess it scared the boy. So my mom asked him if he wanted her to hold him. He said, "No I want daddy to hold me." And he came over to me and I picked him up. He put his head on my shoulder and was holding on to me. I remember looking at him real close and he had blonde hair and long eyelashes. And I thought to myself, "Wow my kid is really cute. This is awesome." And I told my mom that he should stay with her now until I get the whole demon thing situated. But yeah, then I woke up with this sad feeling that I didn't have a kid and I wanted one! Why do I have these urges to be a single father?! I know I want to have a kid, but I don't want anyone else involved. Just me. I want to make all the decisions for the kid by myself without anyone else getting their say. Is that weird or what?

The List

2010-09-20T21:13:00.003-04:00

This is the short film Eric and I wrote for Wawapalooza 4. It's based on my stand up and Eric approached me after he saw me headline in NJ and said the list would be perfect for a short film. He took my list and wrote out a script. A few months later, here's the final result! I love it like it's my own baby. haha. Once you get past my shitty acting in the beginning, it does get pretty funny. And I loved that we got to incorporate a bunch of Lower Bucks County locations and I got to have all my friends join in the fun and play all my poor ex-girlfriends! Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NEkZMGIsuqw

New Tattoo!

2010-09-17T23:50:00.003-04:00

I want more and more and more. I'm addicted. Get over it.

I made sure to take the picture right after I took the bandage off, so I can include all the blood. This one was a bleeder.

Beach Trip

2010-08-14T22:20:00.008-04:00

Yes it's been a while. I'm sorry! It's been a busy summer! Here's the pics of our beach trip with the fam to Ocean City, NJ!

Me and the pregnant chick at the liquor store!

Giant fry guy on the boardwalk!

The cutest kids in America!

Mackenzie getting all cutied up for her photoshoot with Michelle.

Her first time on the sand. I am cracking up at little miss priss with her prissy little hands in the air.

Her first boardwalk trip!

Her first official full day at the beach.

The List Shoot Day 2

2010-05-03T19:54:00.006-04:00

We shot the 2nd day of the short film The List for Wawapalooza 4. Another all day shoot! We're almost done!

Here is Erin, she's the girl that wears socks with sandals.

Alexandra (who is in the Idratherbehere group) is the girl that drinks while she's chewing. Gross, I know.

Beckie is the mouth breather. As you can tell by the pic, I am highly annoyed.

Bonnie is the girl with the kid.

Kyle played the kid, Preston. He did an awesome job!

D'Arcy played the girl who was too clingy. Which was awesome b/c she's so hot. haha

And Carrie was the girl that says Reesee's Peesee's. Love the tattoos!

2010-04-24T00:51:00.001-04:00

The List Day 1

2010-04-04T12:22:00.010-04:00

So for this year's Wawapalooza show, we're doing a short film based on my stand up act called The List. It's basically me telling people my list of reasons why I would break up with you. And they're the most obnoxious, weird things that it's ridiculous to break up with someone over. But hey, that's me. So Eric saw my stand up and thought that it would make a good short film. So yesterday was the first day and we'll have a couple more to go. Each item on the list, we're going to have a flashback of me on a date with a girl and they do that thing on the list. I don't want to give too much away. But here's some pictures of Gus in drag.

We shot more scenes during the day and then went to Bristol Park to shoot the main sequence. For some reason, people just want to stare at you when you have a camera and a boom mic and you're filming something. Who knows what they're thinking it is. No one comes up and asks, well except for the kid on his bike, who pretty much wanted to help out or be in it or who knows.

Here are some screen shots that were taken as well.

Rosco!

2010-04-04T12:20:00.003-04:00

The newest addition to Dana and Bill's family! Rosco! The cutest f'n dog in the entire universe. I went over the night that they got him b/c I had to see him right away. He is so adorable and playful and friendly. And he's my best friend. BFF!

Nothing

2010-03-20T14:57:00.003-04:00

I don't really update my blog very often. As much as I would like to. I don't really have much going on. All I do is work. And that's so boring, no one wants to hear about that. So here's some random things.

Dana and I went to Homegoods. We found these little letter picture holders. Didn't even realize that someone had arranged them to spell something out. I had to take a picture.

I'm having fun doing my stand up. Here's me with my regular comedy friends. Dan Scully, Joanne Syrigonakis (I totally spelled that without having to look it up. I've only known her for 6 years now), and sitting down is Mastro Sykes.

And of course, the sunshine through it all is my lil bunny Mackenzie. She's growing up so fast and so is her hair! Look at her wild, crazy locks! I love it so much!!

This was my favorite day. I went over to hang out with Kenz and Tim and she was refusing to take a nap. Of course it didn't help that I showed up, then she really didn't want to sleep. But Tim jumped in the shower while I was there and I got her to come sit on the couch with me and watch Spongebob. This pic was taken right before she fell asleep. I melted.

My Shows

2010-02-06T16:44:00.007-05:00

It's no surprise to anyone that knows me that I live my life by my tv schedule. I've been like this since I can remember. Not participating in after school stuff b/c I didn't want to miss Double Dare. Oh yeah. So this is the time of the year I am busiest. When I really put my DVR to work. Here is what I am watching:

MONDAY

The Big Bang Theory

I don't watch CBS sitcoms, but there's something about this one I've loved since day one. I started watching it b/c the guy from Roseanne (Johnny Galecki) and the girl from 8 Simple Rules (Kaley Cuoco) were on it. But it's Sheldon (Jim Parsons) that steals the show every week.

People know not to call me Monday nights at 9. That's when the shit hits the fan. This show is so intense. I didn't start watching it until Season 2, but since then I've been hooked. Why doesn't Jack Bauer exist in real life? I'd feel so much better if I knew there was. This show is suspense at it's best. Usually every hour ends with me standing up with my hands on my head wondering what just happened.

TUESDAY

American Idol

I honestly hate to admit this but I do watch it. Mostly b/c of Simon. He cracks me up so much. The show's going to be nothing without him next year. So I will probably stop watching. Sorry Ellen.

The show was on for a little bit in the fall and will be back in March. I started watching it b/c Juliet from Lost (Elizabeth Mitchell) was on it. But this sci-fi show has gotten really good. And I can't wait to see when the humans find out the aliens are really a bunch of assholes coming to take our resources. I mean, c'mon. Bring it.

Better Off Ted

I started watching this show b/c of Portia de Rossi. She was on Arrested Development (RIP) and was awesome and just as good in this show. It's just a fun sitcom and makes fun of office work. Very smartly written. And I'm in love with Linda (Andrea Anders).

Lost

Yes Michelle, I went there. This is good television. Mystery, intrigue, suspense. These people have been fighting so long to get off this island and even when they did, they weren't happy and went back. Confused? You have no idea. I am excited for the bittersweet ending.

16 and Pregnant/Teen Mom

Hot mess television at it's best. Not only am I never having kids, but I am never having sex. These are the worst kids in the world. Farrah is so whiny and her mom makes me want to shove pencils in my ears. Amber cries every 5 seconds and her man, Gary, is so fat, he can't even sit down. He lays down. Maci gets all pissed at Ryan b/c he doesn't do anything. Yeah, he's a kid. He wants to go party with his friends, not be a dad. It shouldn't take more than 5 seconds to realize that. But I do love Catelynn and Tyler, who had to give their kid up for adoption. So sad. They're so mature and how they got that way, I have no idea. His dad and her mom got married after the kids started dating. How gross?! But the mom has a forehead that doesn't end and the dad has a mullet. Need I say more?

WEDNESDAY

The Middle

I'm loving ABC's Comedy Wednesdays. They made the mistake of having Kelsey Grammar have his own show. Who knows what they were thinking. But the first one is The Middle. I was interested b/c of Patricia Heaton being on it. This is nothing like Everybody Loves Raymond and that's awesome b/c I can't stand that show. This is Malcolm in the Middle, but more realistic. Everyone in the cast is hilarious. And if I have a kid, I'm naming him either Axl or Brick.

Modern Family

Bottom line, the best new show on tv this year. Constantly hilarious. Extremely well written. And every cast member, including all the kids, are spot on. This show better be on for years to come.

CougarTown

I was at first turned off by this b/c of the name. I mean, c'mon. The cougar thing is over, people. Let it rest. But this show surprised me. Very funny cast. Courteney Cox works well with a good cast. I mean, c'mon, what are the other friends doing? I like her kid on the show, Travis (Dan Byrd). The kid is like the adult on the show. I can't imagine going through what he does.

Glee

I hate musicals. So why do I like this show so much? I dunno. It's cheesy, but it owns it. It's not afraid to cheese it up. And for some reason, it makes you feel good. Not only that, but there is so much story going on with every character. Congrats on winning the sectionals! Time to move on to the big time.

Tosh.0

Daniel Tosh is hilarious in his stand up. But with this show, he takes his biting ruthlessness from his stand up and makes fun of clips from the internet. He has so much to go off of, he can make hours of his show and I would laugh every minute.

THURSDAY

Flashforward

Thursdays are my busiest tv nights of the week. And it sucks b/c I'm usually working late too. Don't they know!? Anyway, Flashforward started this year and it's supposed to be Lost's replacement once that ends. This is just as confusing. But it's interesting. So I'm going to stick with it. It took a big winter break and will be back in March. Bring it.

Grey's Anatomy

Yeah I put up an old picture to remember when the show was REALLY good. It needs to do something to spice it up. I started watching it b/c of all the hoopla about Denny dying in the 2nd season. Then I watched all the dvds. I related to George a lot, and now he's gone. So now what? But I still watch it. And sometimes I get my period while doing it.

Private Practice

You can't watch Grey's without watching Private Practice. If only b/c they do cross overs and you'd be hella confused if you didn't watch it. Anyway, this show probably should've been cancelled after the 1st season, but it was saved by the writer's strike. Now that a few years have passed, it's caught it's groove and at times, is way better than Grey's. Very touchy subjects on it too. Adultery, abortion. I can't think of anything else. ha

Community

Moving on to NBC Thursdays that has finally gotten it's groove back since Friends and Seinfeld left. I am in to Community b/c I'm a huge fan of Joel McHale (The Soup). And I wanted to see if Chevy Chase could still be funny after 20 years. And yes, everyone is funny. Especially Dean Pelton (Jim Rash), who was on Reno 911!, and Senor Chang (Ken Jeong) from Hangover to name one.

Parks and Recreation

I will watch anything Amy Poehler does b/c I think she's amazing. I was so sad when she left SNL, but happy that she didn't waste time and got a sitcom. And from the people that created the Office. Perfect! And it doesn't hurt to throw in Rashida Jones. Who I think still should've ended up with Jim on the Office. Oh well. I guess Pam will do.

The Office

This show just gets better and better every year. I've grown attached to them. And it doesn't hurt that I follow Mindy Kaling on twitter. C'mon, Kelly needs more screen time!

30 Rock

Undoubtedly, the greatest show on television right now. If I had to choose just one show to watch, it would be this. Tina Fey is just the smartest, hottest, funniest person alive. The show rejuvenated Alec Baldwin's career, and Tracy Morgan's for that matter, too. Jane Krakowski makes me wonder if all actresses are like that. And poor Kenneth (Jack McBrayer) just wants everyone to get along. "Shut up everyone. Shut up, Lutz."

FRIDAY

The Soup

And there always will be trashy tv. So I hope The Soup stays around for a long time. In the dead zone that is Friday night tv, stands one gem on E!, a channel I never watch. Joel McHale revamped Talk Soup and made this. And I have a bunch of tag lines from this show that I say in my everyday life. "Chicken Tetrazzini!"

SATURDAY

Saturday Night Live

You can't have Saturday nights without Saturday Night Live. Everyone is always criticizing it, but to me, I laugh every week. And that's the point. My dream is to be on this show in some way. The greatest day of my life was when I was in the audience and Tina Fey and Maya Rudolph both said they love me. Yeah I was a crazy stalker and shouted it to them, but they still said it back! Now all I have to do is get Kristin Wiig to marry me and my life will be complete.

SUNDAY

The Simpsons

A show I've been watching since I was like 7. It had it's rough patches, but since the movie came out, they've been back in their top game. And I still watch it every week. I can't imagine life without it.

The Cleveland Show

I was hesitant about this show. I don't watch American Dad and I figured it would be like this. You just can't recreate the amazing genius that is Family Guy. So I'll keep watching. And I saw an old episode of Family Guy where Cleveland Jr was skinny and hyper and jumping around all the time. Now he's slow and super fat. Is that going to be explained at all? No, probably not.

Family Guy

The show that makes me literally lol every week. And the show that I say the most things from in my everyday life. "Ew a band aid." "Brian, we're going to get ants." "Yeah you workin on that novel there." "I'm a frigerator. I'm going to bite you." You get the idea. And to think, Fox cancelled this show. Twice! Obviously, the fans weren't going to let that happen. I'm just glad that I own all the seasons on dvd. Fox can't take that away from me.

So that's it. I just want to thank God for making DVR b/c without it, I would just be a fat loser sitting on my couch every night with no life. Now at least, I can pretend like I have a life.

New Years 2010

2010-01-05T16:07:00.007-05:00

New Years Eve! It was so fun. I was so glad I had awesome plans. haha. We went to Harrah's in Atlantic City to see Jimmy Eat World! Only one of my most favorite bands ever!! And all I kept saying was that I wanted to sit at a blackjack table with the band and play. Today on twitter, the band posted a pic of them all sitting at a table playing poker. Ok so it wasn't blackjack, but c'mon, I still would've loved every second of it!!

Here's Beckie in my bathroom getting ready. And yes there is a poster of No Doubt in my bathroom. Are you really that surprised?

Colleen!!

All of us ready to go.

Making sure you all know I'm wearing my Batman belt buckle!

Colleen and I did our "prom photo pose" about 10 times that night.

All dressed up and we went to ......... Burger King.

Haha Heath didn't know I took this pic.

Coll getting her pre-concert game on.

The guy in the background had a chest tattoo and I kept thinking, hmmmmmmmmm, I totally need one of those.

Jimmy Eat World = Amazeballs.

Tattoo is all done!

2009-11-29T14:50:00.003-05:00

I would like to say that I'm completely done, but I'm not. I still have to go back and just get the faded parts touched up including my old tattoo in the middle. But either way, it's pretty much all done. After being under the needle for nearly 8 hours, it's done! And let me just tell you the shading on the wire of the mic was the most painful of all! I just kept sitting there and wishing he was done every time he stopped. But hey, it's all done and that's all that matters!

Halloween 2009

2009-11-05T10:18:00.007-05:00

Halloween is the best time of the year! Let's party!

Here is my Batman pumpkin I made. I have never carved my own pumpkin, so I was especially proud of this!!

The CUTEST teddy bear I've ever seen!!!

I love this pic of Kenz laughing at her dad being silly!

Jim with his Two-Face makeup. Lookin good!

Colleen, the b-fast of champions.

Beckie, Heather and that's Amy in there. They are Lock, Shock and Barrel from Nightmare Before Christmas.

Jess is Vikki for Halloween. That includes Kelly Clarkson shirt, bandana and black eye, courtesy of Colleen. (Yes Colleen gave Vikki a black eye. Alcohol makes you punch your sister.)

I was Garth from Wayne's World. But you can't see my full costume b/c I decided to wear Colleen's Wheaties box. ha

Dan and Gus as The Cobra Kai!

Kevin was Ricky Bobby from Talladega Nights and Molly was a wrestler. Not sure who though. haha

Tattoo continued

2009-11-05T10:16:00.003-05:00

We're moving right along here. But still not finished! One more trip to LAnghorne Ink and I'll be done for a while. ........ Maybe.

We Are The Used

2009-10-29T15:57:00.009-04:00

So the day finally came! The Used played the Factory last night. I found out during the day that they were doing a meet and greet at the TLA at 6. I freaked out! Amy and I went down there. I might've been a little early b/c we were the first ones in line. haha. Well anyway, they came and signed my two cd booklets. I had to show them my tattoo since the heart hanging from the noose was from their 2nd album cover. Juan added the amazing tree so I really just wanted to show them that.

So yeah I showed it to them and they were saying how detailed and intricate it was. They asked if it hurt and I said no. Please, it killed! Haha! But I'm not going to tell them that. They're all covered in ink.

Heather and Colleen upstairs in the balcony. I stayed in the pit for most of the show. It's the only way to do it!

The opening band, Drive A. Oi!

The 2nd band, The Almost. I liked them. Amy's joke was, "Are they Almost done?" I didn't get it until she explained it later.

Then finally The Used came on!

You can't really see it but I totally want the hat that Jepha is wearing. He's the bass player on the far right. I am still searching for it and can't really find one that looks good on me. Maybe it's me!

You can't see me but I was totally in the pit losing my voice and getting bruises. There were all these moshes that started and they were all next to us for some reason. So I had to stand around the edges and block the moshers from hitting people in the crowd and running in to them. It felt good to let out some anger and push and punch people. Try it sometime. They don't mind. Really.

I watched the last part of the show upstairs b/c I was getting tired. And I had no voice really. But I still screamed. As you can tell.

We stayed outside after the show to meet them. Here's Amy freezing her ass off.

I only got pictures with Dan (the drummer) and Jepha (bass). We found out later that Bert came out and was drunk off his ass and the manager made him go on the bus. Then Quinn, the guitar player, followed suit. Luckily by then, we had already left.

And you still can't see his hat! WTF?! But you can totally see his molester mustache.

LAnghorne Ink

2009-10-21T17:09:00.004-04:00

I started my new tattoo! I finally caved and went and got it done. I was struggling with where to put it and I'm so glad the way it turned out (so far). I only got the left side done yesterday. It took 2.5 hours. I told him I wanted a spooky tree that was dead and twisty. Very vague. He then emails me the tree that looks like this and I was blown away. It's like he went in my head and saw exactly what I wanted! This is why I keep going to him! Again I sat in the most uncomfortable position. But I'll just tell you that this one hurt so much more than the one on the inside of my arm. The 13 is my first tattoo that I got in 2003. He's going to be touching that up and making it look fresher soon. He is going to add another branch on the left side that will extend more on my shoulder. Which killed me, btw. Painful spot. And then on the right side of the 13, I'm getting something else. But you'll see that as I start to go back. I have another appointment in 2 weeks!

Again, I got it done with Juan at Blue Velvet in Langhorne. I call it LAnghorne Ink b/c it's like my own local LA Ink.

Rachel's Wedding

2009-10-21T17:02:00.006-04:00

My good friend Rachel got married this past Saturday. I was very happy to be a part of the occasion. The church and the reception were so nice. The newlyweds looked very happy together!
Here is a pic of her engagement ring that I took a while ago. Just to throw that in there.

They walked so fast down the aisle that the pic got all blurry!

My pictures stink, I'm sorry. I couldn't take a good pic to save my life. But at least in this one you can see her smiling!

Amy and I at the table.

Rachel and myself. Even on her wedding day, she couldn't help but gossip a little. It wouldn't be Rachel without it!

Stand Up with the Comics Connection

2009-10-13T21:19:00.006-04:00

I've been doing a lot of shows with the Comics Connection this last month or so. The girls, Sue Teri and Latice, are all amazing and giving me lots of stage time and they're going to let me headline in December! I've never had any bookers actually pay attention to my act and actually enjoy my stuff so much and keep inviting me back. They're really awesome friends. And they're totally taking huge chances with me and it's allowed me to grow as a comedian and take the next steps that I need to take. Do you think I can pull off a 45 minute set? I guess we'll find out in December!!!

(P.S. I've never done more than 20 minutes in one set, so it'll be something to witness.)

It's sort of an inside joke that they always take pictures of the comedians onstage. So I take a few seconds for them to get the pictures out of the way. During that time, I tend to "pose" for them.

This was me starting my "strip tease" for the bachelorette party. If you notice, you'll see the back of Katie and Jim's heads. Haha. (Yes I did a strip tease with my sister in the audience.)

I had to MC the one open mic night and the last person on was the waitress at the restaurant. It was her first time on stage and she just wanted to try it out. So she asked me to sit on stage with her. haha

Me and Katie.

Recent Kenz Visit

2009-10-04T17:34:00.006-04:00

Kenzie came to visit us at the apartment. She was hanging out and having pizza. Haha. She always wants to crawl and run around. We can't keep up with her!

Wawapalooza 3

2009-10-01T00:53:00.005-04:00

Wawapalooza's 3rd year has already come and gone. We've been working on it for months and it seemed like the show just whizzed right by. I miss it already. I had such a blast. And we all got to learn new things about each other this year. Haha.

First off was Alexandra's intro telling us how long the show is and to turn off cell phones and stuff. I figured it would be fun to bombard her on stage and totally interrupt her and turn it in to a sketch. Eric gave me the freedom to do what I want. I made the mistake of saying, "I'll dress up as a 15 year old girl and just say how much Wawapalooza sucks and how I don't want to be here." Me and my stupid mouth.....

Yes I was in public looking like this! In front of a crowd! I had to keep repeating names of famous comedians who have done drag. I found out basically everyone from SNL has done it, the guys from the State, Kids in the Hall, and even serious actors like Dustin Hoffman. Tootsie was a good movie! haha (P.S. You like my boots?! It was very hard to find them in a size 11.)

The first sketch was an Eagles fan in therapy. This gave me time to change backstage!

Then we shown the film Whole Foods vs. Super Fresh, which was a mockumentary about how the two grocery stores are right across the street from each other on 10th & South and how one is for hipsters and the other is kinda trashy. Very good stuff. It's on youtube. Check it out.

Then the sketch Mominator. I played the kid who went to his friends house to play video games and the kid's mom keeps bugging us to eat the lasagna she made.

Then we played the film about colonial tour guides in Philly not having to take a test about the city's knowledge. We had Mala going around saying all these crazy things about historical Philly. Again, youtube.

The next sketch was the campfire sketch. Eric is very serious about his guitar playing at the campfire and gets mad when Gus' character comes and starts singing stuff in the regular songs and ruining it. It was luke warm when we first started doing it, but through rehearsals, we kept tweaking it and it turned out to be one of the best sketches. I was the stoner guy on the ground that wasn't really with it. Very fun to play.

Then we shown a video making fun of Juno and how the songs on the movie were awful!

We did a KMart sketch again. We did one the first year and it did well. So we did another one.

The last sketch of the evening was called Poor Devil. The basis of it was that the devil can't make as good of a deal as he used to now that the economy sucks. I played Conor again for the 3rd year in a row! The only character to make it all 3 years! haha. This time he was a waiter at Applebee's that just wants more out of life. The 1st year he worked at Verizon. The 2nd year he worked at Ikea. Now the 3rd year he's at Applebee's. He can't seem to keep a job.

This sketch was quick and to the point. Me and Dan on the right want to join the Mummers. I want to be the traditional Mummer like on tv with the costumes and stuff. Sadly, I'm informed that there's only openings in the Groping Brigade and the Public Urination Brigade. It's sad to find out that the Mummers are all a bunch of drunk doods walking down a street.

It felt very professional in a real theater with professional lights and video and a stage and theater seating. Hey we even had set lists hanging up in the back so we knew what was next! So awesome!

Mackenzie, August 2009

2009-08-17T01:13:00.005-04:00

I spent the first week of August at my Aunt Mary's while they were away to watch their new puppy, Juno. Here she is.

Mackenzie and her mom and dad came over one night to hang out. Mackenzie did not like the puppy. She was probably wondering why this stuffed animal was moving around and barking. You can tell by her face. She was keeping a close eye on the dog and looking at her strangely.

I can just eat those toes!!!

Our Lady Peace, 8/16/09

2009-08-17T01:06:00.005-04:00

I love Our Lady Peace. They were my first concert when I was 16 when they opened for Third Eye Blind at the Electric Factory. I've seen them a bunch of times since then and they put on a good show every time. They always have a special place in my heart. Haha. Turds.

Since we had some time to kill before I had to be at work at 2am, Coll and I decided to hit the pub. And hey, I have my camera, let's make the best of it.

May 2009 Photos

2009-07-13T19:30:00.009-04:00

Bill took photos for me so that I can use them on my profile with my agent and on their website. We took these in May and I think they turned out freakin awesome. Let's just hope that the agent thinks the same thing. Haha. We've already done 2 photoshoots and we're preparing for a 3rd one just in case! But the day we did this was so much fun. Just hanging out with Bill was an awesome time and driving around in his Jeep was not too shabby either! We hung out and took most of the pics at Washingtons Crossing. PA and NJ. We can't discriminate even though I hate NJ. lol (And to warn you, it's a lot of pictures of just me. It looks really conceited. And don't worry, most of these were not sent to my agent. I only sent about 9 out of 110 or something.)

To loosen up a bit, I decided to pretend I was in a Calvin Klein ad.

I am obsessed with the pics where you can see my tattoo.

I just decided to start waving to all the people walking and driving by that felt the need to just stare us down.

This will be my "George Washington Crossing the River" pose.

This one is really cool, but a little too dark to send to the agent. Ha

We took a lot of pics playing around with the cannon, but this one was the best.

As the sun was going down, we kept going. We wanted to capture that "goth" look.

Vegas!

2009-06-29T23:15:00.010-04:00

Ok it's time to catch up on blogging. June has been a crazy month. So I'm going to break it up in a couple posts. First is Vegas, baby! What an awesome time we had! I feel like I slept most of the time, but then didn't get any sleep at the same time. Haha. I wanted to leave the time zone as my new year's resolution and I did it! Dammit! But now I know what jet lag feels like! I saw No Doubt the night before we left. I caught Adrian's drum stick which is amazing b/c I never get the drum sticks! Plus Adrian has been my favorite since I was 13! I've always tried to wear what he wears and cut my hair just like him. Of course mine never turns out as good as his. But sure enough I got his drum stick (not without a fight!). So it turns out that I can't go to a No Doubt concert without fighting someone.

Either way, I went to Dana's as soon as I got home and we stayed up. It was already after midnight and we were leaving for the airport at 3am. So what's the point of sleeping? We drove around Levittown looking for a 24 hour Dunkin Donuts. And we found one! So now we know for future reference.

The first night we fell asleep b/c we actually hadn't slept at all on the plane. So the first real night, John and Steve took us to a dive bar to see a drag show! What a way to kick off the Vegas trip! It was so crazy and I have to say a lot of fun. Once you let your guard down, just have fun! Who cares! Everyone there was so nice and we made some new friends. This is Dana's new gay friend. And the girl in the middle was talking to me for a while and we danced. And I think she was seeing a girl who was waitressing there b/c that girl kept getting pissed that she was talking to me and Dana! Lez dramz! Love it.

So basically, a drag show is boys playing dress up and lip syching songs while people hand them money. And some of them have boobs! Real boobs!

Then we went to "straight" bar Planet Hollywood. It was loud club music outside on the strip. It was crazy. Dana loved it! I spent most of the time checking out the girls. They don't look like that on the east coast! Meanwhile, John and Steve were talking to every hot girl there! I learned a lot on how to pick up chicks from these two guys. Of course, the girls talked to them and felt so comfortable around them b/c they knew they were gay. But I took a lot of good pointers from them.
Here's one of the hotty dancers that was working there. Whenever someone came up to her, she ignored them and made them get away from them.

But not John and Steve, of course!

I got to do some sight seeing with Kymm and Kevin.

We went to In N Out Burger.

The Ed Hardy/Christian Audigier store at Treasure Island. But I wanted everything and couldn't afford anything.

We took a day to chill by the pool. I love my tatt in this pic!

Here's me doing my impression of Kevin.

This was our hotel with the creepy Barry Manilow painted on the side of it.

And one of my favorite spots was old Vegas. All the older casinos and everything else. And not to mention the awesome sky screen that put on the light show. So cool.

I had to get everyone souvenirs and I kept telling Dana I wanted to get a shirt for Mackenzie that says something bad on it. I want to be a cool uncle! I want her to look back on pictures and see how cool I was. Haha. So I managed to find the best souvenir ever and it was cool that her parents liked it too and put it on her for a family party! Way cool!

Can't wait to go back!

Movie

2009-05-23T22:41:00.003-04:00

Some of you may know that for the past few months, I've been working on a movie. It's very independent and it's not a comedy! It's actually a story about 3 friends and their struggles with drugs and alcohol. I play the best friend of the main character. In the beginning of the movie, I get out of rehab/correctional facility and over the next few months, just sort of fall back in to the same habits. We're about half way done shooting it. Matt, who wrote/directed/produced it, is hoping to submit for some film festivals this fall and hopefully get it picked up for distribution. Which would be awesome, of course. While shooting it is a pain in the ass, and sometimes I get frustrated with the scheduling, I do have fun during the actual shooting and am sort of anxious to see the final product. Today he sent me stills from the film so that I can use it on my profile with my agent. So I figured I'd share. The first two are from the scene we did last month where we are cater waiters. The boss just gave us a pep talk and we're looking quite peppy. The 3rd picture is me sort of reminiscing about playing with action figures and sort of trying to go back to that time. The last picture might look familiar. It's from the fight scene. I shared my own picture with people and everyone thought I was beat up. I love love love the make up the girl did and I can't wait to see the actual fight scene.

Happy Mother's Day

2009-05-10T00:50:00.006-04:00

I know she doesn't go online or even read these, but I'm gonna put this up here anyway. I wanna wish my mom a happy mother's day. This year is special b/c it's the first time she's celebrating as a mom-mom. The lil chubby bunny, Mackenzie, visited my mom to wish her a happy day on Friday b/c they were going away for the weekend. So I brought my camera. I took a ton more pics, but I'm going to bed, so I'll post them later.

Here's my mom with her first and his first. My mom didn't like this pic, but look how cute she is! Bec was trying to get her to laugh for a while and my mom's one eye kept shutting as I took the pic. Runs in the family!

I like this one b/c look at Mack's face! Priceless! I do that half smile all the time.

And I wanted to add this in b/c my mom and I thought it was funny. My dad held her for a while and she was tired so she started crying. Just a little bit. Nothing major.

So mom-mom swooped in and saved the day and she stopped crying instantly. It made her mother's day!

Don't worry, my dad got to hold her again later and she was fine. Haha. We just like teasing him b/c it's so much fun.

Bamboozle 2009

2009-05-05T21:59:00.011-04:00

Ok so the Bamboozle is so much fun! Even when it's rainy and cold and miserable! So basically they transform the parking lot at Giants Stadium in Upper NJ in to a giant concert. It lasts all weekend and has 9 stages and 93 bands playing. Well that was just Sunday. So double that. 186 bands playing total. And I like that the bands range from hardcore like This Is Hell and Vision of Disorder to pop stuff like No Doubt and Demi Lovato. Yes Demi Lovato from the Disney Channel. I didn't believe it myself but she went on right before The Used. So that was funny. It starts at 10:30am, but we didn't get there until about 3 b/c nobody cares about the bands that go on early. That's why they're early. So here's us walking through the construction to the actual concert.

So we watched a couple comedians during the day. Bo Burnham and Zack Galifionakis. They're both awesome, but seeing them in a tent surrounded by loud, screaming music, just didn't make it that much fun. I could barely hear them.
But we made our way through the crowd on one of the main stages to see The Used play around 6. They were so amazing! They're just one of those bands that I just need to be in the pit to experience the whole thing. I can't wait for their new cd to come out this summer and for them to come around again!

Ok so before I continue, I just want to say that the pit for The Used was much more rowdy and crazy than No Doubt. But the pit for The Used was so much better b/c the people in the crowd knew what they were doing. If someone fell, they'd help them up. If someone wanted out, they'd help them get out of the crowd. If a crowd surfer came, they'd help them get up to the front. But I've had this problem before with No Doubt fans. They don't know how to act in a pit! So there's literally thousands of people trying to rush the stage, so everyone is squished and getting knocked around. Heather and I were seperated a couple times, but there's not really anywhere to go, so we didn't get too far. But No Doubt comes on and everyone's pushing and trying to get closer. This dumb skank that's right next to me is getting pissed at me b/c I was getting pushed in to her. Apparently she didn't realize that she was surrounded by thousands of people, and that I solely was the one person that was pushing her. So during the first song, she starts elbowing me in my arm and punching me and pushing me away from her. Where am I supposed to go?! So I waited for the song to end, you know, so she would be able to hear me. I got right up next to her face and at full volume screamed in her ear, "LISTEN BITCH, IF YOU DON'T WANT TO GET FUCKING PUSHED AROUND, GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE PIT!" So she gets all Jersey on me and goes, "What?!" and starts whining and goes after me. She's pushing me and hitting me and basically attacking me. I just stood there b/c what is she gonna do? Nothing. I just focused back on the stage. But I guess someone was holding her back and getting her away from me and she grabbed me and started pulling me towards her. But as that was happening, someone was pulling me away. I just figured someone was trying to seperate us. Turned out it was Heather who had no idea that I said that or what was going on, she just saw me being pulled away and grabbed on to me for fear that she was going to be seperated. lol. So this girl goes to her dinky little dweeb of a boyfriend, who was sporting his nasty ass jew fro and designer emo glasses and starts whining to him and pointing at me. So he looks over at me and I look back with a look like, "What are YOU gonna do?" So he turned right back to the stage and didn't do anything. I was so mad and fired up. I was seriously ready to fight and I don't care if I would've been kicked out! I've seen ND over 10 times and seeing them again in June. I would've been cool with knocking the shit out of this dood. But that was the end of it.

So Gwen no longer is the girly girl that she was on her solo albums. She's back to her punky self with her crazy twist hair and chains/suspenders, wifebeater and jeans with holes in them. Love her so much like this!

I have to say that now that I've seen her solo, she's so much better with the band. When she was solo, she looked a little out of her element. There were dancers and choreography and the band was far away and she as on her own. But with the guys in ND, she looked so much more relaxed and really looked like she was having the time of her life. Everyone was running around, doing their own thing. You can tell she didn't have to worry about where she had to stand at a certain point or what steps to make next.

All the guys wore white and had their bleached hair and the whole time I'm thinking, "I wonder if Dana will bleach my hair." lol

Yes Tom plays the keytar for "Hey Baby".

Before they came out I said to Heather I bet she'll climb the scaffolding like she used to do when she played with ND. And sure enough, she did during "Just A Girl". And she did the classic thing she does where she makes just the boys sing. And before she makes them sing she says, "If I hear one girl in this fucking place singing, you will be ejected from the show!"

They sang their new song Stand and Deliver. Adrian was wearing his Clockwork Orange outfit with thigh high socks and boxer briefs. Haha. I always try to mock Adrian's hair and outfits, but this one I'll let him have.

They all got a little drum to play and it was so fun! I hope they play it on tv.

I love these guys so much. Their fans suck, but they always put on the best shows!

Stand Up

2009-04-26T00:07:00.004-04:00

Ok so I just got home from my stand up and I just wanted to share some of what happened on tonight's show. I was in Doylestown at the Comedy Cabaret. Which is the best room ever. There's always a good crowd and they are just the best. They'll laugh at anything. So I had to MC tonight's festivities, which I hate doing. But tonight there was an awesome crowd, so I had fun interacting with them. First off, there was a big group of people right in the front. There was about 19 of them. They were all from a local elementary school. I don't think they really had a reason for being there, it was just a bunch of teachers and their spouses. So I'm taking to them and then I ask if the principal, their boss, was with them. They all pointed to a woman and I asked her name and she said Susan. I started to say that I look like a bad kid and she'd probably send me to detention. But then I told them that I never had detention when I was in school b/c I was a good kid. Which is true! So one of the teachers said, "We don't call it detention." I said, "Oh do you not give detentions anymore?" She goes, "No, we do. They're called 'Reflection Sessions', where you reflect on the bad choices you've made." I looked at her for a few seconds and I said, "What? Are you serious or are you pulling my leg? Oh, you're serious. What are they called again? Ok so you can't say detention, right? Man, that would be hard for me. I couldn't be a teacher. I'd say, 'Listen you little shit, you're getting detention! You're on my goddam nerves!'" So they liked that. Then I started to mention how much they're drinking and how it's the weekend and no school tomorrow and they're out partying. I asked if they curse a lot on the weekends b/c it's all built up inside from not being allowed to curse all week. They all agreed that this is true. I said, "Yeah I heard this. My roommate is a teacher and she'll come home and just be like, 'Fucking shit kids goddam pissing me off mother fuckers!' And I'm like, 'Everything ok?' And she'll just be like, 'Yeah I've just been holding it in all day, I need to let it out.'"

So then I moved on to other tables who were celebrating birthdays. A girl was celebrating her 28th birthday with all her girlfriends. There was about 8 of them total. The first thing I said was, "Ok Liz, I have a question. I was standing at the front when all you guys came in. I have to know, you did pay for yourself, right? On your birthday? Your friends couldn't pay for you?" She said, "They bought me dinner!" I said, "Well you have some shitty friends. Maybe it's time you looked in to getting some new ones..... Now I've created tension in the group. This is fun. It probably wasn't even your idea to come here was it, Liz? No. Your friends probably said, (In my dumb girl voice that I do) 'We're going to the comedy club for your b-day....... Bring cash.'"

Then I did my normal jokes and I did the whole bit about making fun of my parents and all the wacky things they do. So at the end of my set, I turned to Susan the principal and I said, "Ok so based on my act, would you give me detention? I'm sorry. Would you give me whatever the hell you people call it?" She said, "Yes, you were bad and said bad things about your parents." She was laughing the whole time, so it was cute. And I said, "But it's ok b/c they're not here. They'll never know. So are you mad at me b/c you do some of the wacky things that my parents do too?" And she made reference to when I make fun of my dad for knowing all the gas prices and she said, "I was going to tell you that Wawa was $1.95 in Landsdale." Then I went on to say, "Well that's a hike for me b/c I live in Levittown." After saying this people starting laughing a little and talking and saying like, "Oh god." Normal reaction when I say I'm from Levittown when I perform in Doylestown. Haha. So I said, "Oh yeah. I'm from Levittown. Which I now call the White Trash Capital of Pennsylvania." So this got a HUGE reaction and they were cracking up. I said, "I call it this for one reason and one reason only. There is literally 4 Wal Marts within 10 minutes of my house." And I held up 4 fingers. This got my biggest laugh of the night. So I said, "Oh yeah. Totally true. Not even making this up. 4 of them. You know, just in case you can't find the stirrup stretch pants you've had your eye on. You can always go to the next one that's down the street."

Then I got off stage and had to keep coming back and introducing the next comedians. But the teachers and the girl with the shitty friends all came up to me after the show and said how much fun they had. So I had fun, too! Thanks for letting me make fun of you! I have finally found a job that I can make fun of people for and get paid for it! Hollah!

Brian Regan

2009-04-19T19:52:00.003-04:00

The Nixster and myself went to see Brian Regan at the Tower Theater on Friday, 4/17. I don't think I've laughed so hard in a long time. If you don't know who he is, I suggest watching one of his stand up specials from Comedy Central.

So we waited outside and Nikki decided we should just go b/c he wasn't coming out. Then about a minute or two later, he came out. I was like, "Thank God we stayed!"

My picture is funky b/c I tried editing it. Nikki for some reason felt the need to stand literally about a foot away and the flash was so bright. lol

Mackenzie at 3 1/2 months.

2009-04-09T21:24:00.004-04:00

Well my day turned out awesome b/c I got to hang out with my lil Mackenzie. She's getting so big! And I figured since pictures were taken, I might as well share.

Tattoo

2009-04-06T16:00:00.009-04:00

I finally got my tattoo! It's the roman numeral 4, "IV". I have 4 reasons for it. One being that my friend April died a few years ago. And April is the 4th month of the year. Second and third reasons being that my mom and mom-mom were both born in April. The 4th reason, I'm keeping to myself. lol Not something people want to hear. But to me it's a big deal.
Anyway, so at the beginning of March, I go in to the tattoo shop, Blue Velvet in Langhorne, and I want to schedule it. I ask to get it done on the next available Saturday. So what day would that be? Yeah, Saturday, 4/4. Creepy, I know!
So here I am scared out of my mind!

Just cleaning up the random peach fuzz on me to be safe.

As you can tell, I'm so nervous. What do I do when I'm nervous? Crack jokes! As you can tell, he's laughing. I figured I should probably stop unless I want him to mess up the whole thing!

Juan was awesome. He's such a cool guy. I gotta go back!

The outline is done. I wanted it to be over with!

Lying in this position for 45 minutes is not a good time. I think having my muscle cramps in my arm and neck was worse than the needle!

I had a Blo Pop to keep me from passing out. But to be honest, I don't think I needed it. I have been really good with needles lately. Getting blood taken, tattoos, etc. I don't get white and faint anymore!

So I'm in the middle of blowing a bubble with the gum in the Blo Pop when she snapped the picture. Ha.

Half way done!

I think my muscles cramped b/c I was so tense. I had to keep reminding myself to relax. As you can see, a giant vein started popping out in my neck.

All done! Look how red my skin is around the tattoo. Plus I was trying to stretch my arm and get it back to normal, while the blood was rushing back to my head from lying down.

I had to show it off. So I meet up with Dana, Kymm and Kevin at Karma. Dana is getting her nails done at her work after midnight. The perks of working in a salon.

Where you wanna go?

2009-04-01T22:19:00.005-04:00

Vegas Baby! I'm so excited that we just booked our trip. Kymm and Dana are going for a hair show and so they decided to let Kevin and myself tag along. My new year's resolution is going to be fulfilled! lol! I wanted to leave the time zone. So we'll be out there from June 12th - June 16th.

I'm still working on the 2nd part of my new year's resolution:

And hey, I commit to my new year's resolutions. I make them so that I can actually do them and they are things that I want to complete before the year ends. My past new years resolutions that I have had and completed were: doing stand up comedy for the first time, getting a tattoo, getting a full time job, getting a girlfriend, losing my virginity (I'll have you know that was several years ago!), gaining weight/joining the gym, moving out of my parents house and getting on a plane for the first time. So at least I set goals for myself and I do them. So rock on to me.

Random Photoshoot!

2009-03-18T19:37:00.007-04:00

So I was home and bored. I started playing around with my camera. I love the black and white feature without flash. Then I went crazy camera happy and took a bunch of pics. These are the good ones. I deleted many bad ones!

So here I am bored at home on the computer. No one has updated their blog in the last 5 seconds....

Should I take a nap?

Boo, I can't sleep.

Sigh. When's Nix3000 coming home?

There she is! And she made bread last night! Friendship bread! lol (It was really called that. I didn't make it up.)

I had to teach her to act natural. Models in a photoshoot don't look at the camera!

Just keep eating. It's natural.

I'm laughing b/c she kept looking at the camera!

She wanted a solo pic, but you can still see me in the reflection of the Godfather poster. Ha!

After the Nix left, I thought it would be cool to get a guitar picture. I'm actually attempting to try and learn how to play. This is me doing the "bear claw". If anyone watches Friends a lot, they'll get it.

Chelsea Handler

2009-03-15T00:31:00.006-04:00

It's been a busy week. I'm posting about something I did last Saturday! C'mon! Well anyway, I went to see Chelsea Handler at the Tower Theatre. She was so funny. It was my first time seeing her. We did have tickets to see her in Delaware before, but it was cancelled. Lame.
But she finally came. I laughed so hard! She went off for about 15 minutes about the first time she discovered masturbating. I nearly shit my pants!

Here was my view from the backseat of the Thompson mobile. Look at the twins. They're so precious.

I snuck a pic of Jess as she was getting in.

Our seats were so awesome! Vix had to go and ruin the pic of me and Coll! Actually, I think my "high face" ruined the picture. Sad part is, is that I totally wasn't even high. That's my actual face!

Only one picture came out halfway decent of her on stage. It sucked b/c I wanted more and she was doing really crazy stuff that I would've loved to have pics of. I don't know if it was lighting or the camera, or what. But you get the idea.

We waited outside to try and meet her. We didn't wait that long b/c a black Escalade came barreling out of the back alley with her and her boyfriend, who is the president of E!, and took off.

So we stopped in the dive bar across the street so the girls could pee. I had my camera in hand, so hey! Time for pictures in the dive bar!

In the works....

2009-02-28T19:21:00.007-05:00

I've been so busy with behind the scenes stuff lately. Working on a bunch of different projects. I've been getting a lot of local gigs for my stand up. So if you ever wanna come, you can check out my schedule at www.myspace.com/jeffsolescomedy. The link is on the right, too. I'm filming a movie right now called The Retreatists. My friends from Temple are making it. Very low budget and very indie movie making, but at the same time, very exciting! It's not a comedy, trust me. So I get to do something different. It's about kids struggling with drugs and alcohol and the different stages of coping with all that. I had a picture on my facebook and myspace from the one night we were shooting. My face looks all messed up. Thankfully, it was just make up. But hey, it was fun making people think I really got messed up! lol. So a little spoiler, I get my ass kicked while I'm drunk as hell.

I make my mother proud, what can I say?
Also on the horizon, is Wawapalooza 3: The Dark Roast. I love working with these kids, so I'm so excited for this year! Every year it just gets better and better. I can't wait. I had a meeting with them last night to select which sketches we want to do this year. There was about 16 of them and we had to pick a few. The ones we picked are awesome. And another spoiler, I might be playing a 15 year old girl. Oh no! Me in drag!

Party!

2009-02-22T21:29:00.008-05:00

Today was little Mackenzie's Christening party. It was miserable out, but we still had a good time!
Here's Jen and myself on the way there.

I was sick all week, but luckily it went away so I got to hang out with my little peanut butter and jelly sandwich!
And what's up with my face?!

Mackenzie's first "myspace angle" photo.

But, the one that stole the show from Mac, was none other than the cutiest little thing, Bailey. I managed to sneak in a quick pic of her and her poppy.

Ian was playing a song on his phone so she got up on the table and did her thing! She had everyone's attention and loved it.

And these two were inseperable. You can tell Aidan had a good time because he's drenched in sweat. He always is after every party. He knows how to have a good time!

Mackenzie's Christening

2009-02-07T18:52:00.010-05:00

Every time I talk about Mackenzie, I feel I need to have the font in pink. Anyway, today was the little girl's Christening. She did so good. She didn't cry. Just a few grunts here and there. Typical Mackenzie. Katie and I crack up everytime she does it. It was quick and painless. Well I did get "yelled" at by the priest a couple times. One for not being loud enough when I said yes, even though I clearly said yes and nodded my head. Then I was told I looked like I was "out in left field" he said. Even though I was completely paying attention for once! So I can't catch a break. And it's a wonder why I get anxiety when I'm around priests. They hate me.

So I guess I'm a godparent now. He told Meghan and I that we have to write letters to Mackenzie within the week so that she keeps that with her for the rest of her life to refer to when she needs it. Ummmmmm, can't she just call me? I'm gonna be there for this girl no matter what.

I was holding her hand. She was stressed out b/c the mean priest was holding her. I told her it was ok. Just breathe.

The grandparents.

Mom-Mom and Uncle Jeff.

Losing streak is over!

2009-01-21T22:48:00.003-05:00

This is the first time that I voted and the person that I voted for won. I thought I was bad luck!

2000 - Gore vs Bush - LOST!

2004 - Kerry vs Bush - LOST!

2008 - Clinton vs Obama - LOST! (But this one I was ok with. I liked both.)

2008 - Obama vs McCain - WON!!! Finally!!!!

But hey, I've been voting since I was 18. I make sure my voice is heard. Frealz.

Heath Ledger

2009-01-11T21:08:00.003-05:00

It's been about a year since Heath Ledger died. I was working at Time After Time in Willow Grove when Heather texted me telling me that he died. Of course, being the a-hole that I am, I asked if he finished filming his part of The Dark Knight. But watching the movie (which is probably my favorite movie of all time) absolutely blew me away like nothing I'd ever seen before. When he was playing the Joker and was on screen, I was so in to the movie that I was getting scared as to what he was going to do since the character was so unpredictable. I was laughing since the character had a sense of humor. And I was excited as to what he was going to do next b/c I was rooting for the bad guy to win. As I'm sitting here writing this, Heath won a Golden Globe for Best Supporting Actor for the movie. They shown a clip of him in the showdown between him and Batman in the interrogation room (one of my favorite scenes) and it still gave me chills, even after seeing it many times. Congratulations to Heath. He really really deserved it.

New Year's Eve

2009-01-03T13:53:00.012-05:00

Dana had a little shindig at her house for New Years. Rachel came and her fiance Billy came later. He was working at the hospital. Had such a blast! I think I ate and drank a little too much though. Haha
I was excited I got to wear my Deck shirt that Dana got me. She's such a betch!

Love these kids.

Katie being cute.

Dana and I doing a photo session. I had a few at this point.

2008 - Year in Review

2009-01-01T15:24:00.025-05:00

So let's look back at 2008 for me, shall we. I kicked things off with a bang by going to Florida! First off, I gotta shave my head and get a mohawk. Why? B/c I was going away and I have always wanted a blue mohawk. Who knew that I would just keep it.

I went on a plane for the first time and had such a blast going on vacation with Kymm and Kevin.

I got to see Twiggy re-join Marilyn Manson at the Electric Factory. They sang my favorite song "Coma White."

I got to perform my stand up in NY and around Philly and do some new jokes. I appeared on Comcast's On Demand for a 2nd time. Awesome.

Managed to squeeze in a trip to Atlantic City with the Nix in April.

Got to see The Used!

Went to a bunch of Phillies games. Katie got some sweet tickets right behind home plate and I was even on tv!

Went to see Jimmy Eat World in Atlantic City and got right up in the front. They are one of my favorite bands and probably who I listened to the most in 2008.

Saw Nick Swardson at the Tower and met him again. I made him laugh!

I turned 26. Lame. But I did get to celebrate with my closest friends at my house.

I met Joel McHale from the Soup in NY!!!

The very next morning I left to go to Knoebels with Kymm and Kevin. We only went for 2 days but it was so awesome. We're hoping to stay longer in 2009.

I saw the best movie of the year, The Dark Knight. And I have the best poster ever. I'm still trying to find a frame that big so that I can hang it in the living room.

The Faint came out with a new cd which is in constant rotation in my car. Between that, The Used and Jimmy Eat World. You would think they were the only things I listened to. I saw The Faint at the Troc and danced my arse off and came out drenched in sweat like I do everytime I see them.

I saw Nine Inch Nails perform their best show ever in NY.

I was a part of another successful sold out run at the Philadelphia Fringe Festival with Wawapalooza 2: Get Shorti.

Celebrated Kymm and Kevin's wedding by taking them to A.C. for their bachelor/bachelorette party. I got wasted and made an ass of myself.

Before we knew it, the big day was here. I'm so glad they asked me to be a big part of it. I would do it for them 100 times over!

Halloween! My favorite! And on Halloween this year I got a new roommate! Love it!

Mudvayne did their best show this year too at the Electric Factory.

I got to visit the nation's capital and enjoyed much more than I thought I would.

And the best thing that happened in 08 was that my goddaughter was born on Christmas Eve! I love little Mackenzie and want to be around her all the time!

I learned something about myself this year. And it was actually my old roommate who helped me realize this. All he was worried about was image, money, job, and status. He wasn't about having any fun at all. I was always being made fun of by him and his friends for how I dressed, looked, acted and for the stuff that I liked. But this year I spent most of my time with the people I actually care about and I learned who my real friends are. I learned that I'm gonna do whatever the hell I wanna do because that's what makes me happy. And right now, I'm happy. I got a talent agent and will hopefully be getting paid to act and do comedy this year. I have an awesome roommate and an awesome apartment. I have a new goddaughter/niece that I want to show the world to. I'm happy.

Mackenzie Elizabeth Soles

2008-12-24T15:26:00.010-05:00

At 12:26am today, 12/24/08, little Mackenzie Elizabeth Soles was born! She's a teeny one. She weighs 4lbs 14oz. I just got back from the hospital and had to blog my new pics! This baby is already a celebrity. Kymm went with me and took a lot of pictures. She didn't budge. Just slept the whole time. So cute.

Here's Mac and her daddy.

Had to take a serious black and white.

Had to get her diaper changed. You can tell how small she is by comparing her to Rebecca's hand.

She fussed a little when she was changing but didn't really cry. She just made these cute little sounds that made me and Kymm crack up. We melted.

She's got lots of dark hair!

I am so happy that I get to be a godfather and a new uncle!

Washington D.C.

2008-12-21T20:48:00.011-05:00

I went to Washington D.C. this weekend. Heather's friend, Sherrie, lives right on the edge of Virginia and works in D.C. She's a big lawyer and is really smart. It was her birthday so she invited Heather and myself to join in the birthday festivities. We drove down Saturday afternoon and got there a little after 1 or so. Dropped our stuff off at the apartment and got on the Metro, which is the subway in D.C. It's a lot fancier than the subway in Philly or NY. We took it right to the stop at the Smithsonian. We didn't have much time, so we could only do so much. So there was not enough time for museums or anything like that. Maybe next time I can do all that. First stop was the Washington Monument. Very cool close up. Just neat to be around.

I took a picture of the monument from the steps of the Lincoln Memorial with the reflective pond. Everytime I show this picture to someone they say, "Oh Forrest Gump!"

What I wanted to see the most was the Lincoln Memorial. Don't ask me why. It was what I wanted to see and when we got there, it was just so moving. I didn't think it would impact me the way it would.

Just seeing the statue close up just left me in awe and silence. I just stood there and I read every word and just realizing what was happening at that time.

On the right side wall was his speech he gave at the inauguration of his 2nd term. It was 3 columns and I read the whole thing. Pretty amazing.

I wanted to get closer and take another picture.

This was kind of hard to see in the picture but this is the left wall with the Gettysburg Address on it. Reading it made me think, where are the leaders like this in these days? Has our politicians sunk so low? How easy is it to forget all that these founding fathers went through and stood for, when the president is surrounded by it right in D.C.?

We went to the wall with the names of all that were lost in the Vietnam War. I felt out of respect, I shouldn't take any pictures. But it was crazy to see how many names were on there. You don't realize it until you see it first hand.

There is a new World War II Memorial in between the Washington Monument and the Lincoln Memorial. It was so big and just so great. There were two sides that said Atlantic and Pacific. Around the edges were columns that represented every state with wreaths on them.

In the middle was a huge fountain. You can see the state pillars in the background.

There was a wall filled with these gold stars and a fountain around it. There was a ranger there talking about it but there were too many people around him that we couldn't hear what he was saying. I'm assuming it is a representation for people that were lost in WWII. Like one star stands for 50 or 100 people that died.

There were quotes all around the Memorial and this one stuck out to me the most. How scary must that be to have been at Pearl Harbor.

This is the entrance to the Memorial. You can see Lincoln Memorial way in the background. These things were not that close to each other so we did a lot of walking. But it was worth it.

We were walking back to the Metro b/c we had to get back to the apartment to get ready for the night. Sherrie came to pick us up. We were waiting for her at the Washington Monument and we look off to the side. Lo and behold, there's the frickin White House. We had no idea it was right there. I zoomed in as much as I could. There was a giant Menorah (sp?) and a Christmas tree outside.

We went back at night after the party and walked around some more. None of the pictures came out b/c they were too dark. We got a closer look of the White House, which was a lot smaller than I expected. Seeing the Monument and Lincoln Memorial all lit up was really cool. There was a ton more stuff I wanted to see but it was late (almost midnight) and it was freezing outside. So we went back to the apartment. We were so exhausted today from all the walking that we didn't do anything today. We just came back home. I want to go back b/c there's so much more I want to see now. The Capitol building, Jefferson Memorial, the Museum of American History, etc. I never had any interest in history in school, but being there and seeing it all makes it that much more real. It's funny that you don't really have an interest in learning until you're old and out of school. Haha In school, I wanted nothing to do with it. Now all of a sudden I care.

And just for fun, this was my buddy this weekend, Simon. He's Sherrie's cat and he was really cool. We hung out. He was sitting in my bag when I was trying to get ready this morning. When I went for my camera, that's when he jumped out. He knew what I was doing. Haha

MuDvAyNe

2008-12-13T17:12:00.007-05:00

Colleen and I went to see Mudvayne yesterday (Friday, 10/12) at the Electric Factory. I have seen Mudvayne many many times over the past couple years. They just released their 4th album. So they played the Factory, which is the biggest venue I've seen them headline. So that was exciting. I didn't think that many people were going to be there since I've seen them in smaller venues all the time. And when I told people I was going to see them, the response I would get was, "They're still around?" Yes people! Geez! They're more popular than ever! Haha And their last album had the song "Happy?" played on the radio a lot. Even Colleen knew that one. She was scared during the show b/c we were in the pit. But we stayed out of harm's way. She's used to shows like Fall Out Boy and Panic! At The Disco. So she's not used to the metal shows.

So we went to the pub before hand to eat a bit.

Ok so when the band first came out back in 2000, their thing was they wore war paint. Which is basically just painting your whole face and looking scary. Mostly for theatrics. They were nominated for an MTV Video Music Award and they all wore these white tuxedos and then had bullet holes in their foreheads and blood all over their faces and tuxes. It was sweet. Their 2nd cd came out and they were still doing it, but not as hardcore. Their 3rd and now 4th cds, they're just plain clothes, no makeup, let's rock out kind of vibe. So I was shocked when I saw the lead singer coming out in what could only be described as a huge Elmo costume. It was red and furry. Literally. But he totally had a red mohawk, which made me go, "Hmmmmm, I could totally do that." And he had some makeup on to reminisce on the old days. The guitar player was rocking this awesome top hat with stars on it. It was cool.

He was getting hot so he put on some overalls, which he wore as his costume for the 1st cd.

We didn't get too close but I tried to zoom in as much as possible. And as you can tell, some pics came out blurry. It's hard being in a pit with people pushing you around and you're trying to take a steady picture! Haha

We went back to the pub afterwards for some drinks. I lost my voice for a while and I sounded really weird. I was screaming during the whole show singing along. It was the best show I've seen them do. So I was very happy. And I take these pictures and post them on my blog because otherwise everyone that reads this would have no idea what a Mudvayne or even a Marilyn Manson concert would look like. I'm here to share, people. Haha

To give you a better idea since my pics were so crappy, I stole these from the internets.

Tumbler is back!

2008-11-29T00:43:00.005-05:00

As some of you may know, the night the Phils won the Series, I was at home and Nikki and Dana were over. Nikki goes to leave after the game (she wasn't living there just yet), and she says someone sprayed my car with paint. So we go out and it's foam stuff. So I'm thinking it was just the stuff you put on your car or party foam or whatever. So I take it to Dana's for Bill to check it out and it's not coming out! Turns out it's oven cleaner and it's eating away at the paint and in to the body. I get an estimate done from a shop and it's over $6000 in damages. I dropped it off at the shop on 11/3 and it was finally returned to me today!

My poor Tumbler has gone through a lot since I've gotten him in February. I have a tendency to give inanimate objects their own life. I feel like they have their own personalities. My car should be no different. I care about it and I hate when people mistreat it like that for no reason. So he's back and I'm paranoid and constantly looking out the window making sure it's ok. But he looks awesome. He's all painted and waxed and looking sharp. And they added a little more metallic to the paint to make him extra fancy. At first I wasn't used to it and I wasn't sure if it was my car. I had to check the radio stations that I had programmed to make sure it was mine. But it didn't take me long to get back in the swing of things. The Tumbler is back in full force!

Here's old pics from when I first got him in Feb. It was too dark today to take new pictures.

My poor baby! Don't ever leave me again! (These are pics Michelle took in March for our photoshoot. This was in between my outfit change.)

Guess who's coming to see me!?

2008-11-25T21:24:00.003-05:00

I am so excited! I can't wait! Look at her. She is so gorgeous. She's got legs up to her neck! I'm not a leg man, really, but holy crap. And she just had a kid. Mmmm mmmm. Anyway, they're finally hitting the road again and going on tour. I will obviously be there as close to the stage as possible. They're writing a new album as they tour. So awesome. Not only are they doing their own tour, they are headlining the Bamboozle Festival this year! The Bamboozle Festival is in the Giants Stadium parking lot that they do every May. It's one full weekend and you can go to either Saturday, Sunday or both. ND are headlining on Sunday and Fall Out Boy are headlining Saturday. There's going to be a ton more bands announced soon. But I am so getting my ticket for Sunday! I can't wait! This is going to be the best spring ever! I need to get this pic printed out poster size. Frealz.

Halloween 2008

2008-11-03T22:42:00.005-05:00

I love Halloween. But sadly this year, I had no time to get in to the spirit! My costume was minimal effort and I mean the Joker was the 3rd most popular costume this year. I forget what the 1st and 2nd were. But this is according to Perez. lol What I'm saying is, usually I'm original. This year, I was lazy. I didn't go on any hayrides at all. I did manage to go to Fright Fest at Six Flags, but even that was lame. But anyway, I had a party and it wasn't as great as the rest of my parties. But I was just so tired. After the bachelor party, the wedding and all the moving, plus the vandalism to my car, it was just so much. So I'll leave all that behind in October and move forward! I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving so much. It's such a relaxing, stuff your face holiday and I can't wait. Anywayz, here's some pics from my party.

Nikki was a Motley Crue groupie.

Heather was Rosie O'Donnell's character from A League of Their Own.

Michelle and Ray as Tinkerbell and "Robin Hood." I kept saying he was Peter Pan and he kept whining and saying he was Robin Hood. Whatever dood. Natasha was Wednesday Addams.

Billy and Rachel. Billy works at a hospital so he wasn't dressed up. That's his actual uniform. haha and Rachel was a school girl. Lookin good, Rach! They're getting married next year.

New Stand Up Videos!

2008-10-13T18:09:00.006-04:00

My new videos are up!

Here is the one from Comix in NY that I did on 8/9/07. It's me talking about relationships and being single. Names have not been mentioned for sake of the no-so-innocent.

http://

Here is my stand up from Comcast on Demand that was taped at the Comedy Cabaret in Doylestown on 8/15/08. It's me making fun of my parents.

http://