My New Present For Myself

So I caved in and got myself a new 15" Macbook Pro. With the works. It's super expensive but I opened a Best Buy credit card with 18 months of interest free payments. It's all Bill's fault. I was looking to spend $500-$800, and ended up getting the computer that costs $1800. Yeah, whoops.

But I can now start on what I said in my blog a long time ago. Write more! I'm sitting at Bill and Dana's house writing now writing this for geez sakes. And with my new work schedule, I have so much more time. I have off 4 days a week.

So now I will be writing sitcom scripts, sketch ideas, stand up and screenplays. Holy moly I'm exhausted just thinking about it. I have started writing a sitcom type script and I go in, write some lines and then take a 10 minute facebook/Words with Friends break. I'm pacing myself.

Relationship Fail

You know it's bad when you hear about peoples' failed relationships and you make fun of them because they're an epic fail. Well I've reached a new level of fail. It's called having a relationship fail, before a relationship even begins. If I was one of the Wright Brothers, I would've never made it off the ground.

I keep saying that I'm not made for relationships and I'm better off on my own, which I fully believe. Yet I still find myself crushing on girls left and right. It needs to stop! All it does is distract me from doing what I want to do in my own life. God has given me so many signs telling me to stop worrying about getting a girlfriend, and worrying about myself. I'm writing all this out so I can refer to it later. Get back to work!

If You Needed To Know What Disappointment Looks Like...

Just look at this picture. If I'm ever feeling sad or down on myself, all I have to do is look at this picture and crack up to the point of tears. Here's the story behind the pic:

This time last year, during my birthday, we went to the theme park Knoebels in beautiful Elysburg, PA. They have a ride that we go on multiple times a day because we're so competitive. It's a simple carousel ride, but with a twist. These people have a mechanical arm that sticks out, so when you ride on the outside horses, you can reach out and grab brass rings. So obviously we made it a contest to see who can get the most every time we go on. We have even gotten tricky by trying to get 2 at the same time. I've done it. Not bragging or anything.

So while Ted, Kevin, Megh, Heather, Eve and Randy were in line, Kymm and I were getting a good spot to watch them. Kymm had her camera ready and I kept noticing this poor girl. Every time she went around, she was too small to reach the rings. She would get so excited reaching for it, and then she would pass without being able to get another ring. Then she just had this look like someone ran over her puppy. We cracked up every time we saw her. Not to be mean, but in her own innocent way, she was adorable. We have no idea who she is. At the end of the ride, she had no rings and this was the picture that Kymm got when she came around. Just a deflating look of defeat. Battling tears of laughter, I had to control myself not to walk up to her and buy her an ice cream or whatever it is she wanted. I love this girl and I hope this year she's big enough to get the rings.

Don't Give Away The End, The One Thing That Stays Mine

I love Chelsea Handler. That's not a surprise to anyone that knows me. She goes and takes matters in to her own hands. She worked her ass off to get where she is. She built her empire from the ground up. The other day, I was watching her show After Lately about what goes down behind the scenes of her show Chelsea Lately. It's all about the writers and the making of the show. Watching it was like being smacked right upside the head. Why am I going to pigeon hole myself and do just stand up comedy? I barely get stage time as it is. What I need to do is write. And weasel my way in to some cable show where they will hire someone like me. The E! channel would be perfect for me with shows like Chelsea Lately and The Soup, but unfortunately they're over in CA. Of course. I need to get in to NY. And thanks to my cousin Dana (Daily Dose of Dana blog) I am now obsessed with watching Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. He's in NY!

So not only am I looking for writing jobs now to broaden my horizon, I'm working on my own crap. I have a podcast that I've been doing for a year now. I produced my own live show that was an awesome success! And now, thanks to some comedian friends and my cousin Bill with his fancy camera and editing work, we are working on taping some sketches and putting that shit online. I'm building my empire! It's going to be a while.

Producing Your Own Live Show Gives You Gray Hair

My podcast Bullsnap decided to put on a live variety show for our one year anniversary. It sort of came about because we needed to raise money to buy more equipment for the show. So instead of just asking around for money, we decided to put on a show! Entertain the masses!

So on May 6th, we had our show at the Comedy Cabaret Northeast on the Boulevard. The weeks leading up to it was so stressful. People backing out without telling me, people being late to the show, people not memorizing their lines (myself included). In my defense, I was worried about everyone learning their lines so bad, that I couldn't concentrate on mine.

This is the flyer we made for the show.

This is Dan and Eric rehearsing their lines outside by the dumpster.

My mom representing the 'Snap.

The "backstage" area. Which was pretty much just an empty kitchen they don't use anymore.

We opened the show with a song that Kim wrote called Jersey Girls. Which is a parody of Katy Perry's California Girls. Since the original singer backed out, 2 days before the show we got Beckie's friends Steph and Lauren to memorize the lyrics and dress up like Jersey girls. Things got a little messed up with starting the music on time and remembering the lyrics. We had to start the song over again. Needless to say, I was shitting bricks watching this all unfold. I kept thinking the crowd is sitting there wondering what the hell they got themselves in to.

So I got up after the song was over and said hello. Loosened up the crowd a bit and told them what they were in for (if they already didn't know).

I brought up the first comedian, Dan Scully. I'm glad I put him on in the beginning because he knows how to energize a crowd. Plus he's always been a part of my huge milestones in my comedy career. So of course I wanted him there for this. And he's been on the podcast a bunch of times, so it's like he's a part of the BS family.

In between the stand up, I wanted the group that I am in, IdRatherBeHere Productions, do some of our new sketches we're working on for this year's Wawapalooza. The first one was called Same Ole, Same Ole about people at the water cooler at work talking about the same old stuff. The girls in our group couldn't make it to the show, so I had my comedian friend Joanne Filan stand in for the girl parts. She did so awesome!

I did my monologue/sketch called Becky Rosenblatt's Yet To Be Titled Vlog. I had a blast doing it so I can't wait to do it for the Fringe show this year.

Then Joanne came on and did her stand up. My mom personally loved her bird poop joke that she did. Good job Joanne!!

Here's me setting up the mics. Working my butt off!

Dan and Eric did their sketch Keep Comin Back about a guy talking to a therapist about his fascination with keeping his cat under his shirt.

The last sketch was called Guys Named Floyd about a creeper guy talking to a girl in a laundromat. The ending made the audience roar with laughter and applause. It was so amazing!

Kim and I went up to introduce the drag queen. The plan was for me to look like a hot mess and then have the real drag queen come out all crazy and fierce. It worked.

It's Mizz Pola Frost!! She stole the show.

She sang happy birthday to my dad. He was so embarrassed but I think he secretly loved it.

After she tore the house down, I went on and did my stand up. My favorite shows are the ones that are full of family and friends. They are the best audience!

We had Pola come back on (after her costume change) and pick the winner of the 50/50. She also did her 2nd number, which was just as hilarious as the 1st!

After the show, we realized it was success and all the hard work and stress paid off.

I wouldn't let Pola leave without a quick goodbye squeeze.

Thank you to my cousin Bill Lemke who took these amazing pictures.

I'm Ready To See The World and For The World To See Me

It must be spring. I'm ready for change. I've noticed this happens to me often. I need change. I'm just starting to notice now that the time in between me wanting to change is getting shorter and shorter. What kind of change do I mean, exactly? It doesn't matter! I hate being stuck in the same routine day in and day out. Every week is exactly the same for me. Sunday I sleep in and then work 5pm-1am with the same 2 people. Monday I'm off and I usually sleep in really late and then go to bed around 9pm to get ready for an early wake up for work the next day. Then Tues-Fri, it's work from 6am-3pm and then me sitting around at home watching tv. The same shows every week. (I'm not complaining about the tv shows. I love them.) Then comes Fri and Sat where I get to pretty much do what I want. Is 2 days a week really enough for me to let my freak flag fly?!

I say no. I'm ready for something to happen. The only way for me to make it happen, is to get off my ass and move! Now that I've been living with my parents since November, I'm getting bored. I have the itch. The outside world doesn't seem so scary anymore. If I lost my job when I had an apartment, I would've literally fallen apart. Now? Who cares. Fire me. I could pay my bills with some shitty waiter job. Or better yet, collect unemployment. I get inspired to do things, but then do not do the follow through. What I should be doing is spending some more free time in NY. Hanging out at comedy clubs, going on interviews, who knows! I feel like NY is the place that anything can happen.

But is this way of thinking reality? It's such a way of looking at the world like a new graduate sees it. "Oh there's so many possibilities. I'm going to be so successful right after I graduate!" Yeah I thought that too. Fast forward 7 years later, I'm broke and still living in the same bedroom I grew up in. There's no better time than the present. I see my friends and family have got their own lives going on around here. So what's keeping me here?! I saw a psychic in December and she asked me that and I started to answer but then thought for a second. I froze. I couldn't answer her. She saw that and asked me, "So what is holding you back from doing what you want to do?" The answer is me. I'm holding me back! I can't believe I've been doing that to myself! What an asshole I am!

I need to stop thinking about the big picture. I need to focus and take baby steps. Slowly but surely I can get to where I want. Plus being broke, working full time in a shitty call center and living in my parents house, there's no other way but up. It can't get any worse than this folks.

Drunkard

I don't get drunk often. But I feel like when I do, I'm always around people I usually only see very little. Like my family on my dad's side I never see. But usually when I do, it's a party and I'm drinking. And then I sit here and wonder if they think I'm just this huge drunkard b/c every time they see me, I'm retarded drunk. My cousin Jakki's wedding I got to see them, and it had been a while. I got so messed up and then the next morning, I threw up in the restaurant where we had a breakfast buffet. Yes, threw up IN the restaurant. Meaning I went to look for the bathroom and couldn't make it so I quick turned in to the waiter's bus stand and puked on myself. I had to go to the car and put on my clothes from the day before. And then walk back in to see my family all staring at me.

Then I start thinking about it and I remembered Michelle's 4th of July bbq with her cousins who I hadn't seen since I was a kid. Well I was drinking, not that much mind you. But I totally was being obnoxious and loud, which I never am. And I mixed up Bridgette and Erin's name. And it was so embarrassing and the only explanation was that I was drinking. And it was also in front of Michelle's mom and Nana. I could've just buried myself under the ground in embarrassment!

And then the worst of it: This summer at the beach! In front of all my aunts and my uncles and cousins. And their kids! At least this time I didn't mess up anyone's names or throw up on myself. I was close though. But that walk back to the beach house in the morning was the worst. Walking in that room and just knowing that everyone knew what happened last night was the worst. These people probably think I have a problem. Every time I'm around them I act like a homeless drunk person!

Well I'm writing this blog to say I'm not! I swear! I never drink! I promise! Do people really think this about me or is it just me being paranoid!?

2010 Sucked

2010 was such a shitty year. The biggest shitty thing to happen was I had to decide that I couldn’t afford to live on my own anymore. What a crappy decision to come to make. I’m up to my neck in credit card debt and I am spending more on bills than I am making. And when you’re dumping out less water than what is coming in, you’re going to sink. My personal savings has withered down to nothing, since that was the well I drew from when I didn’t have enough money to pay my bills. So the lease was up on my apartment on Halloween. Because of this, it was my worst Halloween ever. I usually have a party at the apartment and people come over and it’s a blast. Not this year! I couldn’t do anything for Halloween. I dressed up as the cop from the Beastie Boys’ Sabotage video and came in 3rd place at work. Wahoo.

So the weekend before Halloween, my sister and I rented a Uhaul and got our shit and left. Mostly everything ended up in a storage unit. I moved from a two bedroom townhouse to my childhood bedroom which is about the size of the closet in the townhouse. So basically the only things that came with me was my bed, my computer, my dresser, my tv and my clothes. Everything else is in storage. And let me tell you, I miss my Wii and my dvds. Never have I felt an urge to watch Super Troopers more than when I don’t have the dvd with me.

Needless to say it’s an adjustment. Things have finally settled down, bill-wise, 2 months later. We got our security deposit back so I guess I took care of it in the 3 years I lived there. It also took me a while to get used to go from having my own bathroom to sharing a bathroom with 3 other adults. I had to get back in the swing of asking everyone if they need to use the bathroom before I go in and take a shower. And no more hanging out in the bathroom reading books while sitting on the toilet. Time limit! And then I have to get used to my parents asking me where I’m going, when I’m coming back, who am I going with, why am I doing it, etc. They make me feel like I’m guilty of doing something wrong when really I just want to see a movie.

Music sucked. Usually every year around this time, I make a compilation cd of the best songs of the year. Well this year, I am skipping out on it. I bought two albums this year when I usually get a whole lot more. I got Linkin Park’s “A Thousand Suns” and Jimmy Eat World’s “Invented”. Linkin Park’s cd was not as good as their old ones. So I have barely listened to it. I am obsessed with “Invented” and have not stopped listening to it since I got it. It’s one of Jimmy’s best cds yet. So if I really want to listen to the best of 2010, I’ll just play “Invented”. Done. I’m glad 2010 is over b/c people are already talking about the music that will be coming out in 2011. My most anticipated album? No Doubt! Bring it!

Movies weren’t that great. The best movie of the year I think was Inception. Most people say The Social Network and while that was great, you can’t really top the writing, acting, and visual effects of Inception. It was original and made me think and literally kept me on the edge of my seat. But the last month of the year, I’ve been going to the movies and renting amazing movies that are being nominated for awards. I’ve been really spoiled and now I feel like I’m some movie elitist. Some amazing movies I’ve seen this year: The Fighter, The Social Network, The Kids Are Alright, Black Swan, Winter’s Bone, Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work, Scott Pilgrim vs the World, Away We Go, Kick-Ass, Easy A, and Date Night. Just to name a few.

TV never disappoints me. And at the risk of sounding like a girl, the best episode of the year was Grey’s Anatomy’s season finale in May. Did you see it?! It was 2 hours long and played out like it was it’s own movie. Amazing! I was upset, scared, worried, happy, sad, everything! And then I changed my tampon. But I can admit that I watch Grey’s every week. 24 and Lost ended this year too. Nothing can top Lost as much as the networks try. FlashForward and The Event can suck it. Those were terrible. And I will be counting down the days until the 24 movie. But we can file that in no-man’s land with the script for Arrested Development. I’d like for that to happen before I die. Some other shows worth mentioning that I love so much and have been consistent with moments that make me lol: The Ricky Gervais Show, Family Guy, Glee, Raising Hope, Nick Swardson’s Pretend Time, Teen Mom, Modern Family, Cougar Town (watch this despite it’s title), Parks And Recreation, The Office, 30 Rock, It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia, The League, The Soup and Saturday Night Live. I wouldn’t let you down. Just listen to me.

Well that pretty much sums it up. And quick note to Ke$ha, Katy Perry and Rhianna, or as I like to call them, the trifecta of suck: if you come to the end of an album cycle, take some time off. Don’t release another album right away. It seems like you never went away and we need you to go away, even if it’s just for a little bit. Make people miss you. Go away. We didn’t really want you here in the first place. And stop trying to be like Lady Gaga. Because Lady Gaga is Lady Gaga and you’re not. She’s Lady Gaga b/c she’s original. You’re not original by trying to be like her. So just stop.

Here we go 2011!

Baby Dreams

I keep having these crazy baby dreams. It all started a few years ago when I first moved out of my parents' house. So I was only about 24 years old. But I kept having these dreams where I had a kid. And the mom was nowhere to be found, nor did I really seem to care or want to know who it was. I was happy being a single dad. And I would always wake up sad that it wasn't true. I remember one dream specifically during this time where I was at my cousin Dana's wedding. My Aunt Mary comes in through the main doors in the middle of the ceremony holding a baby in her hands and I go running up to her. She tells me that some girl dropped off the baby and said it was mine and that they couldn't handle the pressure anymore and left.

Recently (about two nights ago) I had another dream. I was living in a dorm room of some type and a demon was haunting it. I was planning on moving b/c really, who wants to live with a demon. And so I guess the demon got wind of my plans and decided to write on my walls in blood, "You're not going anywhere. If you try to leave, I will drop a heavy statue from the sky and crush your car and kill you." Yeah a little long-winded to write in blood on someone's wall. I guess he didn't know how to condense his words. And also the demon is very specific about dropping a statue on me. So anyway, I was like, "Ok cool. Guess I'm not moving." So then later I was walking in to church (ew I just noticed being at church in this dream as well as the old one) and I was at the sidewalk and caught up with my mom who was holding hands and walking with a 3 or 4 year old boy. I was telling her about the demon and I guess it scared the boy. So my mom asked him if he wanted her to hold him. He said, "No I want daddy to hold me." And he came over to me and I picked him up. He put his head on my shoulder and was holding on to me. I remember looking at him real close and he had blonde hair and long eyelashes. And I thought to myself, "Wow my kid is really cute. This is awesome." And I told my mom that he should stay with her now until I get the whole demon thing situated. But yeah, then I woke up with this sad feeling that I didn't have a kid and I wanted one! Why do I have these urges to be a single father?! I know I want to have a kid, but I don't want anyone else involved. Just me. I want to make all the decisions for the kid by myself without anyone else getting their say. Is that weird or what?

The List

This is the short film Eric and I wrote for Wawapalooza 4. It's based on my stand up and Eric approached me after he saw me headline in NJ and said the list would be perfect for a short film. He took my list and wrote out a script. A few months later, here's the final result! I love it like it's my own baby. haha. Once you get past my shitty acting in the beginning, it does get pretty funny. And I loved that we got to incorporate a bunch of Lower Bucks County locations and I got to have all my friends join in the fun and play all my poor ex-girlfriends! Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NEkZMGIsuqw

New Tattoo!

I want more and more and more. I'm addicted. Get over it.

I made sure to take the picture right after I took the bandage off, so I can include all the blood. This one was a bleeder.

Beach Trip

Yes it's been a while. I'm sorry! It's been a busy summer! Here's the pics of our beach trip with the fam to Ocean City, NJ!

Me and the pregnant chick at the liquor store!

Giant fry guy on the boardwalk!

The cutest kids in America!

Mackenzie getting all cutied up for her photoshoot with Michelle.

Her first time on the sand. I am cracking up at little miss priss with her prissy little hands in the air.

Her first boardwalk trip!

Her first official full day at the beach.