Wednesday, November 9, 2011

What Doing Comedy For 8 Years Gets You

This January I will be hitting my 8 year anniversary of doing stand up comedy. I'm just reflecting on it tonight because I just got home from doing a gig in Toms River, NJ. Yeah, on a Wednesday. At a sports bar. My favorite. Sports bars are the worst. Nobody wants to hear you tell jokes in a bar. Especially when they go there to watch sports. You compete for peoples' attentions with the giant screen TV that is the stage backdrop. Basically you just hope to get through your time without hearing, "Down in front!"

I walked in to this bar, after driving for over an hour to the shore, and immediately went to the bathroom. When I'm nervous before shows, I am like a drunk that broke the seal. I keep having to go. The bar was pretty packed and it was a nice size. The bartenders were wearing head sets and they were being projected through a sound system. I come to find out it's trivia night. Panic then sets in. Another thing to compete with for attention. I am walking around looking for the booker and wondering how this whole thing is going to work out. Turns out, as I'm exploring, I find a 2nd room with another bar in it. I see a stage with a sound system in there on it's own and feel a little better. This room is pretty crowded and more quiet. I talk to the booker and she says that the people here pay $5 to watch the comedy show. The lights get turned down, the TVs get turned off and everyone is here to see the show. Ok, this might actually work out. I look around and realize that this room is basically the 2nd half of a take out store. Imagine walking in to a take out store and going to the back and watching a comedy show. That's what this was.

I'm not knocking this place or this gig. I had as much fun as I could get out of it. I'm used to these kinds of shows and this was a better one that I'm used to. But it hit me like a mack truck when I realized that after 8 years, I'm still doing gigs in the back of a take out store for no pay in front of people who don't even want to hear your jokes. When I first started, I was getting gigs every Fri and Sat. Every weekend! Now I'm lucky if I get a gig at a sports bar at the shore on a Wed. I can't even get booked at the club that I started out in 8 years ago!

Back to tonight, the booker was the MC and she had me go on first. Tough spot! But after seeing the whole show, I realized any spot was a tough spot. I've learned over the years that just because there are people in the audience, you're not guaranteed laughs. I've had shows in front of 5 people that were awesome because the audience engaged and laughed and had a good time. Then I remember the couple theater gigs I got in front of hundreds of people that politely sat there in silence wondering who I was and why I was there.

I didn't bother doing any brand new material. Too risky. I stuck with the stuff that is new to me but that I've done a couple times and it has worked for me. There were maybe 3 or 4 people in the front that laughed and had a good time, but the rest of the 20-30 people in the bar were texting on their phones, talking to each other, or just flat out staring in to space. It's sad when I think that this show wasn't my worst. It was more of an average show for me. I think my average needs to start getting a little higher.

On my ride home, I listened to the WTF podcast with Mark Maron. This guy has been doing stand up for years, even when I was in diapers. And now he is finally getting the recognition he deserves. I do love hearing about comics and their rise to fame. I always try to compare them to myself and what I'm going through. Sometimes I get bitter when I hear comedians who are making enough money, and headlining clubs, and touring the country, and they have this as their only source of income and living comfortably, and then they complain about not being successful enough. In my eyes, that is success! I'm not asking to be Chris Rock (who was the guest on WTF) or Jerry Seinfeld. I would be perfectly happy doing clubs around the country as my source of income and be comfortable. I'm not looking for fame or fortune. I just want to be happy doing something that makes me happy. Is that too much to ask?

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Another Cooking Disaster

I know I am not good in the kitchen, which is why I stay out of it. I'd rather schlep out in the cold to Steve's Prince of Steaks and pay way too much for a cheesesteak, than have to figure out measurements and cooking times. No matter how much I follow the directions on the recipe, it doesn't work. I'm not stupid! I did what you told me! It just wasn't meant to be I suppose.

So here I am watching the latest shitty episode of Glee. Why? Don't ask me b/c I don't have the answer anymore. Well there's a draft in my room, which I think the wind just comes right through the wall. So I decide to have some hot chocolate. Simple enough. My mom then tells me that if I use the pot, I have to wash it out and then clean it back up again afterwards. Ugh, too much work to even think about, let alone do. But this song that Puck is singing is driving me insane, so I need to get away from the TV. I decide to go the microwave route which sucks. A hot chocolate from the microwave is like eating tofu turkey. It's just not the same.

So I get two packets out b/c everybody knows that 2 packets make it so much more chocolatey and better. So I find the mug in the cabinet. It's not my usual Batman mug b/c that one right now is packed up and in storage. Oh the joys of living back at home. The mugs here are abnormally small but I decide to go for it anyway. I fill it with water and put it in the microwave for a minute. Hmmmm, not hot enough. It's gotta go in for another minute. I go back in the room to see if there's a hot lesbian scene between Santana and Brittany and by the time I get back, my cup runneth over. Literally. The hot chocolate was bubbling over and going everywhere. I think I should stop it right away, but I think, eh, let's just have the minute go out b/c the damage is done. It was a hot chocolate lava mess. My mom's biggest pet peeve is a mess in the microwave. I try to clean it up before she can see, but my dad came home at that exact moment and decided to announce it like a presidential speech that I made the biggest mess in the world.

So the moral of the story is that the next time I want hot chocolate, I'm going to drive to 711 or Wawa and pay. The way America should be.