Full Interview With My Mom - How She Really Feels

I recently got the opportunity to interview my mom for an article with the website witout.net. They're awesome and really funny and I was glad that I got to contribute. They ran the article but I had to cut a lot of it out. So here is the uncensored interview. I transcribed it word for word because I'm a dork.



Me: Did you ever think I’d become a comedian?

Mom: No b/c it’s too scary. Getting up in front of strangers and have to think of jokes real quick. What if they don’t laugh? 

Me: Have you seen me bomb?

Mom: One time. Down in Philly. I was with Aunt Mary and was like, “They’re not laughing!” When you first started. I wanted to cry. Nobody was laughing. I thought, “Let’s laugh real loud and then they’ll laugh with us.” I wasn’t embarrassed, I was scared for you. My hands were all sweaty.

Me: What was your first reaction when I told you I wanted to do stand up?

Mom: I was surprised. I thought you were crazy. You’re so quiet. To get up in front of people you don’t know and try to make them laugh.

Me: When I was younger, what job would you have thought I was going to do?

Mom: You always wanted to be on tv. You wanted to be Vanna White. You know, like on a game show. You loved games. Everything was a game. Even studying for school. 

Me: Do you think I’ll ever get married and have kids?

Mom: Probably not. Cuz you’re too fussy. Too picky. You have to be nice to a girl. And you don’t like to do that for very long. You’d be a good father. But I don’t know about married.

Me: What if I just knocked somebody up and brought home a baby and asked to move back home?

Mom: Oooohh. After I got over the shock and went to confession to see the priest (laughs). You know I’d accept your baby b/c it’s my grandchild. But don’t expect me to raise your baby. I’m getting too old for that. I’m not taking care of your mess.

Me: Do you think I’m funny?

Mom: Yes.

Me: Like when you see other comedians, do you seriously think I’m still funny?

Mom: I think you’re funnier than them. It’s not just b/c you’re my son. If I went to a show and didn’t know you, I’d think you were funny. I like your Wawapalooza thing. I like the people that do that. They’re funny. Some stand up people I don’t like them. I don’t like their language. That bad language doesn’t make me laugh.

Me: What do you do when I say that stuff?

Mom: It shocks me!

Me: What about when I talk about farts and diarrhea and stuff?

Mom: Oooh that’s just disgusting. You’re just looking for a laugh. You don’t really mean it. (laughs)

Me: What if I came to you and said I wanted to become a priest?

Mom: I wouldn’t go to you for confession. You’d probably stand up in front of everybody and tell them. Use the homily as your stand up.

Me: Going back to the game show thing, would see me doing that knowing me now?

Mom: Yeah. You can tell jokes or something in between. When you’re on stage you’re energetic. You’re not bubbly. You would like to cut people up. If you were a game show host, you could make fun of them but then it would be ok because you’d give them money and prizes. And then they’d like you. 

Mom: This is enough.

Me: No.

Mom: Do you like me as a mom?

Me: I didn’t know any better. I was happy when I was a kid.

Mom: You were a happy little boy. Then one day all of a sudden you weren’t.

Me: Let’s talk about high school. Did you hope that was just a phase I went through?

Mom: Oh your dark phase. Yeah. You’re still a little bit in it. I think you want to get out of it but you’re torn. People are still pulling you back. Certain people.

Me: Name names.

Mom: Yeah right.

Me: Do you think I could actually make a career out of doing comedy?

Mom: Yeah I think you could. Cuz you like it. It seems like that’s what you want to do.

Me: Do you think I’m going to keep my office full time job forever?

Mom: No. You don’t seem to want to be there. And I think you’ll do what you want to do. You always said when you were younger you didn’t want to wear a shirt and tie. You’d say, “I’ll never have a job where I sit in an office behind a desk all day.” But that’s the jobs that make money. You have to go everyday.

Me: What if I start going to NY by myself? To make it?

Mom: I know, but it’s better than Philly. I watch the Philly news. I don’t watch the NY news. So I won’t know. 

Me: Are you ashamed to tell your friends and family that I do comedy?

Mom: No. I love it. They always ask me what jokes you do and what you talk about on stage. I try to do your jokes but I will either forget how it goes or mess it up. Then they just laugh at me. But you were on Comcast on demand and we went to Aunt Anne’s to watch it and I thought she was going to piss her pants laughing. You did a joke making fun of us for watching the lottery and all that and she was laughing because she does the things you were making fun of. She got a kick out of that.

Me: Who do I get my humor from?

Mom: I think both sides of your family. Our side always jokes around and laughs and has a good time. Your dad always likes telling jokes. Whenever we visit relatives they always ask him if he heard any new jokes. But he just tells the same jokes that we’ve heard a hundred times. But we still laugh. 

Me: Do you remember the first joke I ever told?

Mom: Yes you were about 5 or 6 years old. Out of nowhere you came up to me and said, “Have you seen Dolly Parton’s new shoes? .... Neither did she.” And I was in such shock and I was laughing so hard that I couldn’t yell at you. My little baby was telling a dirty joke. That coming out of your innocent mouth was just too funny. You always went around telling people jokes from your little joke book. Your favorite one you told during dinner was, “What do you call a fish with two knees? .... A two-knee fish!” It was cute. We had a good laugh. 

Me: Ok now we're done.