Stand Up

Ok so I just got home from my stand up and I just wanted to share some of what happened on tonight's show. I was in Doylestown at the Comedy Cabaret. Which is the best room ever. There's always a good crowd and they are just the best. They'll laugh at anything. So I had to MC tonight's festivities, which I hate doing. But tonight there was an awesome crowd, so I had fun interacting with them. First off, there was a big group of people right in the front. There was about 19 of them. They were all from a local elementary school. I don't think they really had a reason for being there, it was just a bunch of teachers and their spouses. So I'm taking to them and then I ask if the principal, their boss, was with them. They all pointed to a woman and I asked her name and she said Susan. I started to say that I look like a bad kid and she'd probably send me to detention. But then I told them that I never had detention when I was in school b/c I was a good kid. Which is true! So one of the teachers said, "We don't call it detention." I said, "Oh do you not give detentions anymore?" She goes, "No, we do. They're called 'Reflection Sessions', where you reflect on the bad choices you've made." I looked at her for a few seconds and I said, "What? Are you serious or are you pulling my leg? Oh, you're serious. What are they called again? Ok so you can't say detention, right? Man, that would be hard for me. I couldn't be a teacher. I'd say, 'Listen you little shit, you're getting detention! You're on my goddam nerves!'" So they liked that. Then I started to mention how much they're drinking and how it's the weekend and no school tomorrow and they're out partying. I asked if they curse a lot on the weekends b/c it's all built up inside from not being allowed to curse all week. They all agreed that this is true. I said, "Yeah I heard this. My roommate is a teacher and she'll come home and just be like, 'Fucking shit kids goddam pissing me off mother fuckers!' And I'm like, 'Everything ok?' And she'll just be like, 'Yeah I've just been holding it in all day, I need to let it out.'"

So then I moved on to other tables who were celebrating birthdays. A girl was celebrating her 28th birthday with all her girlfriends. There was about 8 of them total. The first thing I said was, "Ok Liz, I have a question. I was standing at the front when all you guys came in. I have to know, you did pay for yourself, right? On your birthday? Your friends couldn't pay for you?" She said, "They bought me dinner!" I said, "Well you have some shitty friends. Maybe it's time you looked in to getting some new ones..... Now I've created tension in the group. This is fun. It probably wasn't even your idea to come here was it, Liz? No. Your friends probably said, (In my dumb girl voice that I do) 'We're going to the comedy club for your b-day....... Bring cash.'"

Then I did my normal jokes and I did the whole bit about making fun of my parents and all the wacky things they do. So at the end of my set, I turned to Susan the principal and I said, "Ok so based on my act, would you give me detention? I'm sorry. Would you give me whatever the hell you people call it?" She said, "Yes, you were bad and said bad things about your parents." She was laughing the whole time, so it was cute. And I said, "But it's ok b/c they're not here. They'll never know. So are you mad at me b/c you do some of the wacky things that my parents do too?" And she made reference to when I make fun of my dad for knowing all the gas prices and she said, "I was going to tell you that Wawa was $1.95 in Landsdale." Then I went on to say, "Well that's a hike for me b/c I live in Levittown." After saying this people starting laughing a little and talking and saying like, "Oh god." Normal reaction when I say I'm from Levittown when I perform in Doylestown. Haha. So I said, "Oh yeah. I'm from Levittown. Which I now call the White Trash Capital of Pennsylvania." So this got a HUGE reaction and they were cracking up. I said, "I call it this for one reason and one reason only. There is literally 4 Wal Marts within 10 minutes of my house." And I held up 4 fingers. This got my biggest laugh of the night. So I said, "Oh yeah. Totally true. Not even making this up. 4 of them. You know, just in case you can't find the stirrup stretch pants you've had your eye on. You can always go to the next one that's down the street."

Then I got off stage and had to keep coming back and introducing the next comedians. But the teachers and the girl with the shitty friends all came up to me after the show and said how much fun they had. So I had fun, too! Thanks for letting me make fun of you! I have finally found a job that I can make fun of people for and get paid for it! Hollah!