Looking for your soul mate? Have you tried not being a psycho?

Just saw someone post this on their Facebook page:

Status: "I want a man that is good looking, has a job, dont do drugs, wants to have a serious relation and number 1 GREAT SEX, maybe marriage n maybe 1 kid, the sex is the most important thing, guys needs to know how to truely make love w a women, also guys needs to know to lick our right spots n do it great"

Their own comment on it: "Girls love U to pay alot of attendtion.for us caring n sweet n we like to feel special"

Next status just a few minutes later: "Here is my soul mate... sweet, has lots of real love to give to me the serious loving relationship. I want a guy thats single that has a place that its only him n animals if he has any. Also loves to have fun and a sweet guy inside n out.. I want to spend some real time with a man that can make my heart flutter and sex that curls my toes.. Older or young guys.. If this is you then post it n we can talk ;-) xoxo"

Their own comment on it: "I love funny guys too, just loves to have fun. No lier or cheaters"

Another comment on their own status (which btw no one has commented on): "I need a soul mate... where are you ??? lol"

Ok let's try to analyze this crazy bitch. First off, you're looking for your soul mate on Facebook. Which means the only people that are going to read this, are going to be people that you already know. Are we supposed to pass the word on to others? What do you want us to do?

First status has a list of demands. One being, you need a job. Well a good way to start is by posting this on a Sunday night at 11:30. Lots of guys with jobs are up on Facebook at this time. (I don't count b/c I have weird hours and I work overnight on Sundays.) After the first sentence, I count multiple misspellings, grammar and punctuation errors. Already you're out of the running for me. You've now narrowed down your choices to guys that are as dumb as you are. Now you start talking about marriage and a kid?! You've now narrowed down your choices to nobody. We need to lick your right spots and do it right? Same here, bitch.

Now you've gone and commented on your own status. Sad. Desperation has kicked in. And you've included about 3 sentences in one. "n" does not mean "and". "U" does not mean "you". And I can't pay "attendtion" to you because I'm still trying to translate your language in to mine. Oh you want the guy to make you feel special? I think if you took an intelligence test, that would be covered.

Ok now we're on to the next status, which is looking for a soul mate. Fun. Now one of the first demands on this one is that the guy has to be single. This is telling me that she's gone for guys who are not. Usually being single is something that is implied, but she wants to make sure y'all know that you can't be married when you get married to her. "Also loves to have fun." I hate fun. Who wants to have fun? Not me. Next. "A sweet guy inside and out?" Now I have to taste sweet on the outside? How am I going to do that? "Sex that curls your toes"? Bitch, that's called a vibrator. Get one.

Now she has commented saying she wants funny guys. This is just like the joke I do on stage where girls always ask for that. Guess what, you're a needy bitch and being funny isn't going to be enough for you. And during all this, you have failed to mention any kind of redeeming qualities that you possess. What are you bringing to the table besides a used cosloppus? I'm going to need more than that if you want my awesome qualities that you are asking for. You get everything you want, and I got a lazy, clinging bitch that needs me to take care of her and pay all her bills. Oh I will have a place of my own, but that doesn't mean you bring your suitcases and your kid over with you, rent free.

"No lier or cheaters". Ok well guess what, whatever guy is interested at this point, is going to lie and say they don't cheat. That's who is in your league. Don't try to go out of your league. Plus the guy is going to be a "lier" if you want him to make you feel special. He's going to have to figure out something because if he was honest with you, he'd tell you that you're a complete moron who can't read or write. But again, that would be him telling you that you are "special". Just not the kind of special you were going for.

And this has been another installment of Why Jeff is Single. Thank you for your time.

What Doing Comedy For 8 Years Gets You

This January I will be hitting my 8 year anniversary of doing stand up comedy. I'm just reflecting on it tonight because I just got home from doing a gig in Toms River, NJ. Yeah, on a Wednesday. At a sports bar. My favorite. Sports bars are the worst. Nobody wants to hear you tell jokes in a bar. Especially when they go there to watch sports. You compete for peoples' attentions with the giant screen TV that is the stage backdrop. Basically you just hope to get through your time without hearing, "Down in front!"

I walked in to this bar, after driving for over an hour to the shore, and immediately went to the bathroom. When I'm nervous before shows, I am like a drunk that broke the seal. I keep having to go. The bar was pretty packed and it was a nice size. The bartenders were wearing head sets and they were being projected through a sound system. I come to find out it's trivia night. Panic then sets in. Another thing to compete with for attention. I am walking around looking for the booker and wondering how this whole thing is going to work out. Turns out, as I'm exploring, I find a 2nd room with another bar in it. I see a stage with a sound system in there on it's own and feel a little better. This room is pretty crowded and more quiet. I talk to the booker and she says that the people here pay $5 to watch the comedy show. The lights get turned down, the TVs get turned off and everyone is here to see the show. Ok, this might actually work out. I look around and realize that this room is basically the 2nd half of a take out store. Imagine walking in to a take out store and going to the back and watching a comedy show. That's what this was.

I'm not knocking this place or this gig. I had as much fun as I could get out of it. I'm used to these kinds of shows and this was a better one that I'm used to. But it hit me like a mack truck when I realized that after 8 years, I'm still doing gigs in the back of a take out store for no pay in front of people who don't even want to hear your jokes. When I first started, I was getting gigs every Fri and Sat. Every weekend! Now I'm lucky if I get a gig at a sports bar at the shore on a Wed. I can't even get booked at the club that I started out in 8 years ago!

Back to tonight, the booker was the MC and she had me go on first. Tough spot! But after seeing the whole show, I realized any spot was a tough spot. I've learned over the years that just because there are people in the audience, you're not guaranteed laughs. I've had shows in front of 5 people that were awesome because the audience engaged and laughed and had a good time. Then I remember the couple theater gigs I got in front of hundreds of people that politely sat there in silence wondering who I was and why I was there.

I didn't bother doing any brand new material. Too risky. I stuck with the stuff that is new to me but that I've done a couple times and it has worked for me. There were maybe 3 or 4 people in the front that laughed and had a good time, but the rest of the 20-30 people in the bar were texting on their phones, talking to each other, or just flat out staring in to space. It's sad when I think that this show wasn't my worst. It was more of an average show for me. I think my average needs to start getting a little higher.

On my ride home, I listened to the WTF podcast with Mark Maron. This guy has been doing stand up for years, even when I was in diapers. And now he is finally getting the recognition he deserves. I do love hearing about comics and their rise to fame. I always try to compare them to myself and what I'm going through. Sometimes I get bitter when I hear comedians who are making enough money, and headlining clubs, and touring the country, and they have this as their only source of income and living comfortably, and then they complain about not being successful enough. In my eyes, that is success! I'm not asking to be Chris Rock (who was the guest on WTF) or Jerry Seinfeld. I would be perfectly happy doing clubs around the country as my source of income and be comfortable. I'm not looking for fame or fortune. I just want to be happy doing something that makes me happy. Is that too much to ask?

Another Cooking Disaster

I know I am not good in the kitchen, which is why I stay out of it. I'd rather schlep out in the cold to Steve's Prince of Steaks and pay way too much for a cheesesteak, than have to figure out measurements and cooking times. No matter how much I follow the directions on the recipe, it doesn't work. I'm not stupid! I did what you told me! It just wasn't meant to be I suppose.

So here I am watching the latest shitty episode of Glee. Why? Don't ask me b/c I don't have the answer anymore. Well there's a draft in my room, which I think the wind just comes right through the wall. So I decide to have some hot chocolate. Simple enough. My mom then tells me that if I use the pot, I have to wash it out and then clean it back up again afterwards. Ugh, too much work to even think about, let alone do. But this song that Puck is singing is driving me insane, so I need to get away from the TV. I decide to go the microwave route which sucks. A hot chocolate from the microwave is like eating tofu turkey. It's just not the same.

So I get two packets out b/c everybody knows that 2 packets make it so much more chocolatey and better. So I find the mug in the cabinet. It's not my usual Batman mug b/c that one right now is packed up and in storage. Oh the joys of living back at home. The mugs here are abnormally small but I decide to go for it anyway. I fill it with water and put it in the microwave for a minute. Hmmmm, not hot enough. It's gotta go in for another minute. I go back in the room to see if there's a hot lesbian scene between Santana and Brittany and by the time I get back, my cup runneth over. Literally. The hot chocolate was bubbling over and going everywhere. I think I should stop it right away, but I think, eh, let's just have the minute go out b/c the damage is done. It was a hot chocolate lava mess. My mom's biggest pet peeve is a mess in the microwave. I try to clean it up before she can see, but my dad came home at that exact moment and decided to announce it like a presidential speech that I made the biggest mess in the world.

So the moral of the story is that the next time I want hot chocolate, I'm going to drive to 711 or Wawa and pay. The way America should be.

Knoebels Trip 2011

I love our annual Knoebels trips! This was the weekend after I did the 3 weeks of Wawapalooza shows, so I definitely needed to get away. I stole these pictures from Kymm.

Ted started by climbing on the fence and Meg yelling at him. Kymm and I tried to provoke those two to get them to fight more b/c it was entertaining for us.

It took us a lot to get Kymm to get away from the camp site. We tried everything. Finally Meg got her to walk around the park and so the rest of us decorated the site to surprise her for her 30th birthday! We got pink and blue balloons, glo sticks, cookies, the whole deal.

The next day the park wasn't open so we had to entertain ourselves.

Yay the park is open!

We went just a few weeks after the huge flood. So you can see the 2011 line is super high!

Everyone else was arguing so I fake argued with Heather so we can fit in.

Can't wait til next year!

Wawapalooza 5: Under Destruction

This was our 5th year doing Wawapalooza! I can't believe we still are doing it after all these years and that we're still selling out our shows! And these people have become my best friends. Aww sweet, I know. William Lemke is the best photographer so he came to our rehearsal before the show and took some exclusive behind the scenes pics! lol And then I stole these pics from him.

So this year I dressed in drag. Yet again. I did a sketch called Becky Rosenblatt's Yet-To-Be-Titled Vlog where I play a teenage girl that has her own vlog and is delusional about her dreams and how she sees herself.

The opening sketch was about Phillies fans who have Tourettes and just yell at umpires. Hits a little too close to home.

One of my favorite sketches was Gus playing a guy named Floyd who is a total creep and runs in to a girl at the laundromat. Then he drugs her and who knows what happens later. We just liked seeing Gus be a creep, which comes so easily to him.

Shari and Tony were old people fighting over their Comcast bill.

I played a guy working at the Apple store teaching how to use a Mac to a bunch of PC users. Then Steve Jobs comes and helps me focus on what I need to do. This was before he died. So it was appropriate. Ha! Tony had to bend down and kiss my head and it was so awkward and I almost laughed every single time we did it on the show. The pics were taken during rehearsal so I was allowed to laugh.

The best sketch of the night was Mala and Bonnie as Wal Mart employees reading off complaints from yelp.com. Go watch it on youtube.

Me and Alex then played teenagers who know everything and expect everything. But she doesn't always get what she wants.

Eric needed to decide between Gus and Dan's characters of who to keep as his friend on Facebook.

Mandy played a wife who is watching an E! special on the death of Patrick Swayze while her husband, Tony, just wants to watch the Penn State game. She really cried at each show!

Then Eric and Mandy played new parents who believe if they have their baby's head above everyone else's during it's first year, it'll give him confidence later. But what happens when they drop the baby? Yeah every time they dropped the doll, everyone freaked out. It's a doll.

Gus, Dan and Shari are office workers who are sick of the same ole same ole. You know, like getting your salad tossed.

I played a guy who is having his bachelor party and just wants to chill and play board games. But Tony comes in as the wild guy and wants strippers and blow. It was hard to play someone who was getting married b/c that'll never happen.

Dan had to go to therapy b/c he's obsessed with putting a cat in his shirt all day long.

Cast photo. Minus Gus.

But he came back and I stepped on him.