Looking for your soul mate? Have you tried not being a psycho?

Just saw someone post this on their Facebook page:

Status: "I want a man that is good looking, has a job, dont do drugs, wants to have a serious relation and number 1 GREAT SEX, maybe marriage n maybe 1 kid, the sex is the most important thing, guys needs to know how to truely make love w a women, also guys needs to know to lick our right spots n do it great"

Their own comment on it: "Girls love U to pay alot of attendtion.for us caring n sweet n we like to feel special"

Next status just a few minutes later: "Here is my soul mate... sweet, has lots of real love to give to me the serious loving relationship. I want a guy thats single that has a place that its only him n animals if he has any. Also loves to have fun and a sweet guy inside n out.. I want to spend some real time with a man that can make my heart flutter and sex that curls my toes.. Older or young guys.. If this is you then post it n we can talk ;-) xoxo"

Their own comment on it: "I love funny guys too, just loves to have fun. No lier or cheaters"

Another comment on their own status (which btw no one has commented on): "I need a soul mate... where are you ??? lol"

Ok let's try to analyze this crazy bitch. First off, you're looking for your soul mate on Facebook. Which means the only people that are going to read this, are going to be people that you already know. Are we supposed to pass the word on to others? What do you want us to do?

First status has a list of demands. One being, you need a job. Well a good way to start is by posting this on a Sunday night at 11:30. Lots of guys with jobs are up on Facebook at this time. (I don't count b/c I have weird hours and I work overnight on Sundays.) After the first sentence, I count multiple misspellings, grammar and punctuation errors. Already you're out of the running for me. You've now narrowed down your choices to guys that are as dumb as you are. Now you start talking about marriage and a kid?! You've now narrowed down your choices to nobody. We need to lick your right spots and do it right? Same here, bitch.

Now you've gone and commented on your own status. Sad. Desperation has kicked in. And you've included about 3 sentences in one. "n" does not mean "and". "U" does not mean "you". And I can't pay "attendtion" to you because I'm still trying to translate your language in to mine. Oh you want the guy to make you feel special? I think if you took an intelligence test, that would be covered.

Ok now we're on to the next status, which is looking for a soul mate. Fun. Now one of the first demands on this one is that the guy has to be single. This is telling me that she's gone for guys who are not. Usually being single is something that is implied, but she wants to make sure y'all know that you can't be married when you get married to her. "Also loves to have fun." I hate fun. Who wants to have fun? Not me. Next. "A sweet guy inside and out?" Now I have to taste sweet on the outside? How am I going to do that? "Sex that curls your toes"? Bitch, that's called a vibrator. Get one.

Now she has commented saying she wants funny guys. This is just like the joke I do on stage where girls always ask for that. Guess what, you're a needy bitch and being funny isn't going to be enough for you. And during all this, you have failed to mention any kind of redeeming qualities that you possess. What are you bringing to the table besides a used cosloppus? I'm going to need more than that if you want my awesome qualities that you are asking for. You get everything you want, and I got a lazy, clinging bitch that needs me to take care of her and pay all her bills. Oh I will have a place of my own, but that doesn't mean you bring your suitcases and your kid over with you, rent free.

"No lier or cheaters". Ok well guess what, whatever guy is interested at this point, is going to lie and say they don't cheat. That's who is in your league. Don't try to go out of your league. Plus the guy is going to be a "lier" if you want him to make you feel special. He's going to have to figure out something because if he was honest with you, he'd tell you that you're a complete moron who can't read or write. But again, that would be him telling you that you are "special". Just not the kind of special you were going for.

And this has been another installment of Why Jeff is Single. Thank you for your time.