Why I'm Quitting American Idol Cold Turkey

Starting Off So Innocent

The concept of American Idol started off great. Unknown singers can show off their talent and America can vote who their favorite is. It was a summer show on Fox, which just means it was fodder. Something to watch after you come in from swimming in the pool all day. America actually found a talented singer in the amazing, beautiful Kelly Clarkson. A person who is actually a superstar and can really sing. And being that the show premiered in 2002, it just shows how great she is, because she is still a star 10 years later. I've seen the girl in concert and girl can SANG! She's had a bunch of chart topping singles and we still forgive her after that one album, My December, didn't really do well. I actually liked the dark side that she was showing. Like a hot goth chick that hung out at the mall and smoked cigarettes. That was the live show that I saw when she was touring for that album. I don't consider her a pop singer even though that is exactly what she is. But the girl writes her music and lyrics. She doesn't just have someone else do it for her. Well, all the time. I don't think the big execs let her do everything. Just this month, she shown everyone just how amazing she is. After seeing a bunch of flops from people messing up the Star Spangled Banner (I'm looking at you, Xtina), she came out at the Super Bowl in 2012 and killed it. And she made it seem like this was something she does every day. "Oh what did I do today? Woke up, showered, brushed my teeth, sang the shit out of the Star Spangled Banner. You know, whatevs." But in another example of how much we love Kelly, we totally are pretending like From Justin To Kelly never happened.

This isn't an article about Kelly Clarkson though. So let's move on with the show. After discovering the greatness that is Kelly, the network saw nothing but money. So Season 2 began in January 2003. We had a huge showdown between a giant black man, and a skinny twink. Classic David and Goliath. We could say that one person was the winner, but really, did any of us win?

Kelly Clarkson Acoustic

The Downward Spiral

Ok now we are starting to lose it. Season 3 began in January of 2004. This season makes me want to ask you a question. Who do you remember more from this year: Fantasia Barrino or William Hung? Yeah, that's what I thought. I can't decide whose singing is more ridiculous. Luckily for us, Jennifer Hudson broke out from her 7th place finish and made America think twice about who wins this show.

Season 4 can be considered a life line in the history of all the seasons. Lucky for the producers of the show, Carrie Underwood strolled in to the audition rooms and revived it. Even though I don't listen to country music, I still enjoy seeing her sing if she's on a show that I'm watching. (i.e. The Grammy's this year.) This season I actually watched from beginning to end. And sadly, I am still plagued with having to hear about Constantine Maroulis. He just won't go away. And no, I will not go see Rock of Ages. Even if you're making it in to a movie. I refuse!

Season 5 premiered in January 2006. I watched this season too and still don't know why. This season gave us the gift of Chris Daughtry. As my friend Colleen always says, "Daughtry: For those who think Nickelback is too metal." So thanks Season 5, we still can't get the stank out of our clothes. For some reason, Taylor Hicks won. The "Soul Patrol" as he called his fans pulled for him to win the season. But apparently the Soul Patrol don't really feel like buying albums. I guess they have to draw the line somewhere. At least we got Katherine McPhee out of it. She's in the new NBC show "Smash", which is funny because all the promos for the show are saying "Introducting Katherine McPhee." So yeah, even she doesn't want to remind you about how awful American Idol is.

Season 6 happened. Jordin Sparks won. America forgot. Moving on.

Season 7 was the showdown of David Cook and David Archuleta. Who? I have no idea either. Apparently, it was compelling.

Season 8 answered the question, "How can we make this show shittier?!" The answer? Add Kara DioGuardi to the judges panel. That's like making a cake and then adding a huge pile of shit to it. Even after this season, Paula Abdul peaced out. I guess in her haze of pills, even she realized this show was a shit storm. America chose the straight Kris Allen versus the flamboyant Adam Lambert (or Glambert as we call him now). But don't worry, Adam is laughing his way to the bank.

Season 9 figured, "Hey let's add another judge to replace Paula Abdul. Should we get someone in the music industry? No, let's just get Ellen Degeneres." While I love Ellen to death, her and I both agreed she shouldn't be doing this. I think I was the one that called her and said, "Hey maybe you should get out while you can." America chose Lee DeWyze. DeWhy, you ask? No DeWidea. That's a play on words.

I watched Season 10 because the judge panel was cleared off. Even Simon Cowell left. And he was the only reason why I would actually pay attention to the show. Now we have Randy Jackson, Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez. The one confusing thing about it though was when the judges came out and we just saw their silhouettes, I couldn't tell the difference between Steven and Jennifer. They both dressed like sassy Puerto Rican women. Jennifer actually is good on the show. She knows what's up in the business and gives actual feedback that can be used to benefit the contestants. Steven Tyler and Randy Jackson just interchange the same 5 phrases after every song. "That was beautiful." "It's a little pitchy, dawg." Getting to hear that every single time you sing just makes the contestants think, "Oh yeah, thanks. I'll try that. Super helpful. Appreciate it." I had a huge crush on Pia Toscano. But she was voted off early in the show. I guess the women in America can't handle it! But the big winner of this season was the guy from Mad Magazine. Good job.

In conclusion, every time I watched the show I kept thinking, "Why? Why am I putting myself through this?!" I literally cringe whenever all the contestants sing a song together on the results show. It's glorified karaoke. But this year I'm not doing it. I haven't watched any of the auditions and I am skipping my favorite Hollywood Week. I am quitting American Idol cold turkey. And you know what? I feel like I have more time on my hands. With these extra few hours a week, I have taken up knitting. I just finished a pair of earmuffs that I will wear when I tune in to the finale this year. It's not fully American Idol's fault. I'm totally burned out thanks to the commercials for The Voice and The X Factor. Yes, I said the commercials. I couldn't even make it to the actual show because if I heard Moves Like Jagger one more time on a commercial, I was going to move my fist in to the television at Adam Levine's face.